I've got to admit, I'm a little turned on by the new controversial Britney Spears nude birth statue. I think it's the Boris Vallejo-like qualities the sculptor put into Britney's physique. She's in a somewhat sexual position kneeling with her elbows on a bear rug and her ass high in the air. Aside from her pregnant belly, she doesn't have a pound out of place and exhibits ideal muscle tone. Like it or not, this guy's got some talent to put something that well together just based off of photographs. It's interesting though that none of the news entities actually show the backside of the sculpture - the controversial side where apparently her baby's head is sticking out of her vagina. I guess they can talk about controversy but can't show it. It's probably for the best, I'm sure my admiration for the beauty of the statue would diminish significantly if Sean Preston's head was staring at me. I guess I have never found a comfort level with the act of childbirth. I come from the old school of thought where the father is supposed to sit in the waiting room and I told my wife that that is my intention. Everyone else thinks I'm a jerk for wanting to miss out on the miracle of life. I can't help it, I think it's a little gross.

My ebay feedback is a measely 22 (all positive) yet something odd just happened today for the second time in my past five auction wins... the seller sent me the item twice. The last time I bought a watch and received two of them. I informed the seller and he gratiously sent me a self-addressed envelope with which to return the watch. This time around it is a collectible. I received the first one a couple days ago. Today, inexplicably the second one arrived. I have to admit, even though I already have the one piece, there is a small temptation on my part to hold on to the second... but I'll do the right thing. I'll email the seller informing him he sent me the item twice and offer to return it to him if he sends me a self addressed stamp with enough to cover the postage. This is a $20 item and the seller has a feedback of something like 30,000 so I doubt he'll miss it but I feel compelled to do the right thing. I wonder what percentage of the population would do the same.

On Saturday my wife and I met another couple at one of my regular restaurants, The Wicked Hop in the 3rd Ward. Upon arrival at 7 we were told there was a 1.25 hour wait. We found a booth in the adjacent bar area and decided to wait it out. After the required 1.25 hour wait, we checked in. Still 6 names down the list. Okay, we'll take some appetizers. The waitress showed up with the regular menu, then it occurred to me... we're sitting at a booth, we're ordering appetizers off the menu, why don't we just order our whole meal. "Just appetizers on this side of the bar" said the waitress. So we ordered some appetizers and another round of drinks and waited it out. After 2.25 hours we checked back in. "Still a couple names back." "Come on, we've been here since 7." "Okay, I'll move you up to the next table." Well that was easy enough. A few minutes later we were seated and had a nice meal. When all was said and done I really only had one complaint - and it's not the wait. It's the fact that they play the music too loud. Everybody wants good music in the background and it should be loud enough, (I'm not looking for Starbuck's here) but should I really have to yell to talk to people sitting at the same table as me? It's not like this is a dance club.

It was interesting to see so many people out yesterday given that it really wasn't that warm out. The temperature topped out at 48 degrees yet it seemed everyone who owned a motorcycle was out riding it. I really have no problem with that, it's the people who were riding their bikes with shorts on that threw me. Seriously, 48 degrees is hardly warm. It's not even Spring-like. I suppose though I got hooked up in it all too. After driving by a golf course and seeing that it was full of golfers, I decided to stop by the Golf Galaxy in Brookfield to check out a new putter. The only problem is I couldn't get in. The entire driveway was blocked by a line of cars waiting to get in the car wash. I actually counted 25 cars in a single line. I tried to figure out what these people were thinking. "Hooray, hooray, it's 48 degrees, the sun is out what should we do? I know, let's wait in line at the car wash."

I was reading on the computer today the story about the family that got stranded for several days when their RV got stuck in 4 feet of snow in the Oregon mountains. Some people read stories like these and say, "wow, what a feel good story. I'm so glad they survived." Others read it and say, "what a bunch of idiots, how could they have been so stupid?" I come from more of the latter camp. I admit, I passed judgment on these people right from the start and it's not because of their ordeal... it's because of what they named their children.

Sebastyan and Gabrayell.

Now one of two things happened here (neither of which is good).

#1 - In a white trash sort of way, they tried to come up with a really unique spelling for some already uncommon names. or #2 (and I think more likely) they are so uneducated that they don't even know how to spell Sebastian and Gabrielle.

Once I saw their pictures, my judgment was cemented - the dictionary description of trailer trash. It kind of reminds me of the auto parts store on the northside that is listed in the phone book under - Otto Pars.

A friend of mine and I are in an argument over the legitimacy of dog show results. My contention is that dog shows are shams because there is only one judge. I can understand judging dogs within a breed, but how can they legitimately say one example of one breed is superior to an example of another breed, particularly after a such a brief examination. If you want to make it legitimate you should have multiple judges. My contention is that the reason they don't is because they honestly can't tell if one breed is better than another. It is a subjective opinion and if they had five judges they very well could have votes for five different dogs as best in show.

I wonder how much money AOL has spent trying to market their product to me? I must have received 40 AOL "free trial" discs over the years and they come in all sorts of different packaging in a failed attempt to impress me: jewel cases, DVD snap-cases, tin cases. You know they must have some marketing meetings where someone says, "We haven't had much success with the shrink wrapped on cardboard discs we've sent out, so let's try some more expensive DVD snap-cases instead." Here's a novel thought, give me a superior product at a great price and I'll try it out but please, stop filling my mailbox with this landfill junk.

I'm starting to get tired of passwords. I need a freaking password for just about everything. For awhile I had a simple password but then every other website would have some specific rule - "must be at least 7 characters". So I changed to a new standard password and then came more rules "must include at least one number and one letter". Fine, another change to my standard, then, "cannot have the same number or letter repeating." Dammit, this is pissing me off.

I actually have had an ATM card for six months without knowing the pin number. I remember before going to the bank I gave consider thought to what my pin would be and I came up with a number that had some significance and would be easy to remember - 1138. Then I went in, got my card and typed in the number. Refused! Two 1's in a row. C'mon. So I went with a backup 1214. Refused! Can't have a sequential number. So I had to make up a new number on the spot and of course I forgot it.

Now I come into work today (yes it's a Saturday) and my computer informed me that once again it's time to change my password. It seems I have to change this damn thing on a fairly regular basis so I came up with a good solution - password1, password2, password3 etc. After going up through password5 I figured I'd start over at the beginning again with password1 - then I got this notice - "cannot repeat any of the previous 24 passwords". Are you f'in kidding me? Who the hell is going to come up with 24 passwords? Of course you know what usually happens in this situation. The user just gives up and puts a post it note on their monitor reminding themselves, and anyone else who walks by, what the password is. Ridiculous.

Sure I read Dear Abby sometimes, but it's not for her saccharine advice. No, I just want to see how far off the norm they will go with the fake names they use. You never see:

My husband, "Mike" and my son, "John" always have a tradition of...

Instead it's always something more like:

My husband, "Archibald" and my son, "Xavier" always have a tradition of...

I also kind of wonder why anyone even asks Abby for advice. You have to figure the turnaround time can't be all that great and usually the advice seekers are on a bit of a deadline. It makes you think how many people must be out there reading the paper hoping today is the day Abby finally tells them whether or not they should put down their sick dog.

I really believe we as a society have become much too sensitive and as a result, people tend to read into things far too much. Yesterday I was reading some posts on a collectors' forum. A representative of one company was on the forum explaining his frustration with the misinformation various collectors were spreading around about his product. He titled the post - Mein Kampf which is German for My Struggle. It's also the title of a book written by Hitler. One poster pointed out this fact and seemed somewhat offended. The representative immediately apologized and said he meant no disrespect. The next day the CEO of his company came on the board and stated that the employee was suspended without pay for 3 months. I asked the opinion of a friend of mine who works in corporate marketing. He said the guy should have been fired. My feelings are that the guy made an innocent comment and immediately apologized for it, should his career with this company be over for the infraction? In my opinion, no.

I have another friend who works for the state. He was on his way to a staff meeting and as he passed a group of female coworkers who were lingering he said, "let's go girls." One of them complained citing that they are "women" not "girls" and as a result this friend is forced to take sensitivity training.

I began to get depressed thinking that this is the future of the workplace. A personality stifling environment where everyone is forced to act like robots. Then I attended my own staff meeting this morning. One female member of the staff was not present and the President inquired, "Is Jane coming?" To which a coworker replied, "No, she's just breathing heavy." Everyone had a good laugh.

It's nice to know there is at least one other person who wants to buck the system.

My wife and I are trying to have a kid... and it's damn hard. Who would have thought after the fear propaganda I had to endure in high school? I still remember the lectures fresh in my mind at my first sex ed class - "If you so much as look at a girl the wrong way, you can get her pregnant." The first time I had sex I actually wore two condoms for double the protection. Of course, in an attempt to impress my steed, I stayed the course longer than I should have and both condoms slipped off. Luckily she wasn't pregnant but I went through a couple weeks of fear. Now I'm looking at the opposite effect. My wife is telling me all this stuff about how we have to do it on certain days and have to do it multiple times and it could take years and then if it still doesn't happen we'll need to see a specialist.

I don't know what's scarier, thinking you got a girl pregnant or fearing that you can't.

In an earlier post I stated how I avoid buying Boy Scout/Girl Scout/school related sales drive items from parents. I think these things are for the kids and the kids should be the ones out selling the stuff.

Well I must admit, about a month ago I broke down and bought two $1 candy bars from a woman I work with primarily because I was hungry. I'm not even sure what the cause was but the point is I supported it. Now here we are, about a month later, and she has a new sign up sheet for cheesecake for her son's wiffle ball team. As I was walking by she had to point out to another coworker that I'm not on the cheesecake list. And so the pressure begins. #1 - I don't like cheesecake. #2 - cheesecake is more expensive than candy bars. #3 - As stated above, I'm against the concept to begin with. Let's also keep in mind that this isn't a church group who's saving up money to go on a Habitat for Humanity trip; this is a private wiffle ball league, which basically means I'm supposed to buy cheesecake just so this woman and her husband don't have to spend as much money on their kid's league. Now it's one thing just to put a sign up sheet for anyone who's interested but to actually put pressure on me to support this I think is ridiculous. Where is this money going anyway? Something tells me that these kids are probably dressed in Major League quality uniforms and play at places like the fancy little field at Miller Park. When I played Waukesha Park Rec. baseball as a kid, all I got was a T-shirt that said Cardinals on it and a plain red trucker hat - and you know what? I liked it.

I should sell my own cheesecake's and make myself be the cause. "What am I supporting by buying this?" "You are supporting me. Now buy some damn cheesecake so I can get a plasma TV."

My wife doesn't seem to understand the concept of headphones. Headphones suit two purposes, to keep the internal speaker sound contained within the phone and to keep external noise out. It's the second part that she doesn't seem to get.

She recently received a portable DVD player with a 7" screen as part of a work promotion. A portable DVD player is one of those items I've always wanted but didn't want to spend my own money on. I was looking forward to trying it out on the long drive up to my parents' house in Door County this past weekend. I got myself all set in the passenger seat of the car. The DVD player on my lap, a bag of licorice to my side and my big oversized headphones covering my ears. I flipped through my DVD library and selected Pumping Iron (the Arnold Schwarzenegger bodybuilding documentary) as my first screening. I was barely past the opening menus when a certain buzz could be heard emanating from the cabin of the car. What's that noise? Is she trying to talk to me? Then a tap on my leg. I remove one headphone and listen:

Wife: Why'd you pick that movie?
Me: I don't know, I haven't seen it in awhile.

I subtlely put the headphone back over my ear as I listen to Arnold potificate about how pumping iron is better than sex. Then the noise again. Every few seconds there is a pause and I instictively mutter a "yeah". Years of training have taught me that when women talk they usually are just spouting about something they want you to agree on so a "yeah" response typically suffices. Of course I generally only get off a couple "yeah's" before I get the "are you listening to me?"

"Yeah I'm listening to you."

"Well what did I just say?"

I quickly think back, trying to piece together a word or two that might infer that I was listening. She was talking about her friend, oh wait, that was like five minutes ago. I think she said something about our house search...

"When we find the right house, we'll know."

"Yeah. That house in Waukesha was nice but it just didn't do it for me. I don't think I'm ready for that. On the other hand I really like that house in Shorewood but I'm concerned that..."

She bought it. At least I won't get yelled at but now I realize I've missed two minutes of the movie. Oh well. Off it goes.

"Aren't you going to watch the movie?"

"I think I'm going to sleep." I recline the chair and close my eyes. The car goes silent.

That she understands.

I always kind of wondered what would happen if you walked into a bank with a ski mask on? Would they immediately sound the alarm, ask you to remove the mask, or let you do your banking all the while hoping that you don't pull out a gun? I would think #3. I just read an article however where someone did this very thing, only they threw in a part where they said "give me all your money... just kidding." This guy was arrested and could face five years in jail for his prank. It kind of got me thinking, why even make ski masks anymore? As a skier, I can't remember the last time I saw someone wearing the full on ski mask. I mean seriously, if it's that cold, stay off the mountain. Even the least fashionably conscious seem to know that a ski mask is so 1970's - except bank robbers of course.

I was taking a post workout shower at the gym last night when I noticed something a bit peculiar. The guy across from me was shaving - not so unusual right? Except he was shaving his testicles. One hand on the razor, one hand delicately pulling his penis up and out of the way... oh, and did I mention that he was semi-erect? That's right, semi-erect. It didn't help that the shower "room" is about the size of a walk-in closet. Needless to say, I didn't stick around to find out whether that semi-erect would turn into a full salute.

So I grabbed my towel and went back to my locker, trying hard to forget what I just saw. That's when I happened upon the guy with the barbell pierced through his penis. I felt an instant case of shrinkage as my own penis screamed in pain with just the thought of having a metal rod stabbed through it. Look away, look away... and I did, only to set eyes upon the poor bastard - a guy who's been cursed with the worst genetics. A Turkish looking man with a big full beard, big full neck beard, a hairy chest and a back like a shag carpet. He'd be a walking yeti if not for the shine coming off his balding head.

I barely dried off, got my stuff and got out of there. I met my wife in the lobby and asked her if she's ever seen any weird stuff in the women's showers. "No, we have individual stalls with curtains." Figures.

It seems a week doesn't go by in the newspaper where the Milwaukee Public School district is crying about budget shortfalls. My company recently bid on a large MPS job and were awarded the job as low bidders. A couple days later however we were informed that we filled out the bid form incorrectly. We basically checked one box wrong. They did not allow us the chance to correct our mistake and awarded the job to the second lowest bidder. The only thing is, they made the exact same mistake. So they moved on to the third lowest bidder and awarded them the job. Their quote was a full $50,000 higher than ours. So basically the school district is throwing away $50k on what amounts to an honest typo. Just think about what they could buy with that money. What a waste.

I have a friend with a 7 year old boy who is a real brat. The kid is basically uncontrollable and talks back to everyone. Unfortunately no one does anything to stem this behavior asides from the usual "time out" talk, which he ignores.

I was over at their house for a grill out with several friends and relatives and of course, this kid had to be the center of attention. He decided to challenge me to a race. Alright kid, I'll take you up. We mapped out the course and got in the starting position. Though it is against standard racing protocol, I let him do the "ready, set, go." Of course he jumped the gun but it didn't matter - I smoked his ass. It was like the tortoise and the hare. Once he realized he had no chance of winning, he quit and started pouting but I'd have nothing of it. I pranced around like a winner and announced to everyone that I won and he lost. The assembled adults boo'ed me. The kid said I cheated and I inquired how. "You're supposed to let me win." Then the adults chimed in, "C'mon, let the kid win." So I responded, "alright, we'll race again and this time I'll let you win." Once again we got set and once again he jumped the gun on the 'ready, set, go' and once again I smoked his ass. Life's a bitch kid, get used to it.

I find it kind of depressing to think that every address in the phone book has its own white and yellow pages (sometimes multiple copies of each). Not only that, but you get a new set every year. How much does it cost to manufacture these deadweights? I'm sure there are some people who really put their phone books to use but I suspect the vast majority use theirs only sparingly. I'm at the point where I use the internet to look up everything so my old phone books get tossed in the trash at the end of the year without ever having been used. It just seems like such a huge waste. I think there would be no harm in the phone company limiting phone books to people who actually request them and those that don't want them should get a credit. It seems like common sense to me.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day. He has a whirlpool tub in his bathroom so of course I had to mention: "I bet you and the wife put that to use." He responded that they don't have sex (her choice) and he didn't find this information out until after they were engaged. What do you tell the guy?

Yesterday he set up a purely business meeting with an ex-girlfriend. One who he confided to me was the best he's ever had. Now I took that with a grain of salt because this guy is a chronic overexaggerator... but then I saw her. This girl was a solid 8 on my strict scale. To put that in perspective, I figure there are maybe 6 eight pluses out of 100 women of the same age. So let's compare:

Ex-girlfriend
1. younger (by four years)
2. prettier
3. better body
4. big chest
5. sexual dynamo
6. fun lover

wife
1. not as young
2. not as pretty
3. average body
4. small chest
5. avoids sex like the plague
6. scrabble champion

Now I might sound superficial in all this but this is what men really think. For the life of me, I can't see why he broke up with the ex-girlfriend - it's not like she had a crap personality or anything. I would think every guy wants to wind up with the best woman physically and sexually that he has ever been with, otherwise you'll always be thinking back to those D-cups as you are holding those A-cups. It's cruel but that's the way it is. I could almost see the memories flashing through his head as I sat in on this meeting. Afterwards I asked him what he was thinking when he dumped her. He said she did things like "buying him a sweater" or called a friend and found out he was at a bar and then showed up. I still didn't get it and I think he was starting to wonder the same thing. The amazing part is he dumped this girl for a real bitch (not his wife). The new girlfriend had her friends tell him what kind of engagement ring to buy her specifying the size at that it had to be from Tiffanys. Luckily he eventually got out of that relationship, and his wife is a good woman... but those D's.

As an aside to my previous post, a good friend of mine just asked my opinion on a ring. He bought his wife a $9000 engagement ring and a $700 platinum wedding band. Now she has decided that she would like a third band with 7 channel diamonds on it. It's priced $2400 at Tiffanys but at least he is smart enough to realize that Tiffanys is a complete sham. There is no real difference between their jewelry and other reputable jewelers. The only difference is the price. This is why women who have Tiffany rings have to announce, "it's from Tiffanys" because no one would know otherwise. Of course they'll tell anyone who'll listen which makes it all the more annoying. Anyway, I told my friend that I think having a third ring on the ring finger kind of lessens the symbolism of the other two rings.

Here was his response: "I really don't have a problem with the three rings. The engagement ring won't be overshadowed and that one was the one that matters."

I think the way things were originally designed, it is the wedding ring that is supposed to matter. Ironically the wedding band is the least expensive. What does the engagement ring really symbolize? A desire to get married. Once you get married the ring really symbolizes nothing, aside from showing how whipped your boyfriend was.

My wife came home the other day and told me that a friend of hers, who has been waiting to get engaged, finally had the question popped. Of course, as women always do, the conversation immediately switched over to the ring. She described this ring as "big", "wow", "I wonder how much that cost, etc." It got me thinking about how commercialized the entire engagement/wedding process has become. This "expensive" ring is just the beginning of a ridiculous outflow of money. Now that the ring is out of the way, discussion always moves on to the wedding. Preliminary talk is of 400 guests. Grandma's list alone is 75 people. I've been to enough expensive weddings lately to know the stress, pain, and lack of fun that this couple will be forced to endure over the next year. If only they knew what was coming. Everyone thinks their wedding will be different but they rarely are. A friend of mine got married awhile back at what I would consider a pretty expensive wedding (his band cost more than my whole reception). As weddings go it was fairly typical - which means boring. The bride and groom threw in the towel at 11:00 p.m.

"Hey, everyone's moving on to that bar across the street." "Yeah, we're a little tired. I think we're going to turn in for the night." "But it's your wedding night?"

I asked them a couple weeks later what their favorite part of the wedding was.

Groom - "The bus ride."
Bride - "I don't remember. The whole day was just a blur."

$25G spent on one day and that is the best you can do?

I remember another expensive wedding I went to at one of the more exclusive locations in town. The wedding couple broke the two most important rules of a reception - feed your guests well and give them plenty to drink. There was no open bar - not even for the basics and the food consisted of one table of appetizers. Well, I figured, at least it's at a nice place. Then a bus pulled up and another bridal party got out. A cameraman followed and started taking pictures of the group all over the grounds around us. Then a second bus pulled up and another bridal party got out. Shortly after there was an announcement. "Ladies and gentlemen. The next reception has arrived and we have to vacate the premises." I checked my watch - it was 2:00 in the afternoon and I was getting kicked out. I couldn't help but think, "this cost $20,000?" So here we are at 2:00 and everyone's wondering, what do we do now? The answer was there really wasn't a plan. So they winged it which resulted in an uncomfortable romp through a couple establishments finishing the night off at a gay bar.

This is the bride that bought her own engagement ring. Her husband had limited finances and proposed to her with a cubic zirconia - which was supposed to be temporary until he could afford the real thing. Of course the cubic zirconia was at least a carat. She accepted but didn't tell anyone it was a fake diamond. I think eventually the stress got to her so she went out and bought herself the ring she really wanted... only she eventually decided it wasn't the ring she really wanted so she went out and bought another ring which really was the one she wanted... only now she's considering upgrading its already hefty 1.5 carats.

Another wedding I went to was at one of the finest churches in town, however the couple were not members as it was clear when the priest mistakenly switched the name of the bride with that of her sister (the Maid of Honor). Throughout the entire ceremony he kept talking about how great this couple was, every time giving the wrong names. Actually it was pretty funny, though there was some embarrassment afterwards.

So a couple days ago my wife came home saying her friend that just got engaged is really upset. It seems she took the "huge" ring in to get sized and the jeweller asked if she was aware of the equally "huge" visible inclusion. It seems her boyfriend bought the ring online. I figure one of two things happen. Either he got taken. Or her purposely tried to buy the biggest, but worst quality diamond he could find. Neither is good.

Let the stress begin.

As for my own wedding. My wife and I bypassed all the stress by getting married abroad, just the two of us. Two hours before our ceremony I was swimming in the ocean. It was a great day. When we came home we had a small reception with a very limited guest list of only 50 people. The whole atmosphere was relaxed and we were able to give each guest some quality time - not to mention plenty to eat and drink.