Musings of an Anal Retentive Individual

2006-12-26T20:01:00.000-08:00

I was at a dinner party the other night when the topic of vacation time came up. I have two weeks vacation and every single one of those days is planned out already on Jan. 1st. Two people at the dinner party had over a week left of vacation that they were not taking, would not be paid for and would not be allowed to carry over into 2007. I honestly can't comprehend how someone could waive hard earned vacation. To me it's just another symptom of how the American work world is getting way out of whack. It's not that these people don't want vacation, it's that they are afraid to take it. When I was growing up, more than once my parents took a three week vacation. Not only do I not have three weeks vacation despite being 11 years out of college, but even if I did, my employer would not let me take the three weeks all at once. So much for that trip to Europe I guess. Still, I guarantee you this, I will take every day I have coming. When you get to the point where you are afraid to take off for vacation, then it's time to rethink your life.

2006-12-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

I really can't stand the fact that Oprah is on the cover of her magazine every single month. Not only that, but it is only Oprah. I don't recall her ever sharing the cover with anyone else. The pictures are always the same, "Look at me, I'm Oprah and I'm frolicking." I know it's her magazine but what's the sense of putting her face on the cover every month? It seems so vain to me.

2006-12-12T09:40:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned awhile back, I'm trying to get my wife knocked up; and I never would have thought sex could be such hard work. We've always had good sex, but now that it is for a purpose, I've found it to be pretty difficult. Take last night for example. I was notified that "today is a good day." Right in the middle of a perfectly good video game. I don't know what it is with women but they seem to hate the fact that men play video games. I played online with another friend last night who got off abruptly. He told me today that his wife came into the office and chewed him out for playing this game for two hours. Anyway, so my wife goes to bed and I start brushing my teeth trying to figure out how I'm going to get in the mood to do the deed. So as I'm brushing my teeth, I start "multi-tasking" with my free hand... and it's unusually tough going. I start running through my head some of my favorite porno clips. I feel like Dirk Diggler after he took the drugs. Finally I'm up enough for action. My wife and I start going at it and it's some of the worst sex ever. I kept my eyes closed trying to keep this train moving. She must have known something was up because she kept asking me what I was thinking. "Nothing!" I really had to delve into the depth of the most hardcore nasty porno thoughts I could come up with but it wasn't to be. 15 minutes of non-stop pumping and I just couldn't go on. It really sucks because my wife is a beautiful woman who turns heads at the gym. I think it's the pressure. When there's no pressure we have the usual quality sex. You know it's quality when I don't last long.

2006-12-06T06:03:00.000-08:00

I've come to a conclusion this morning that is largely undebatable: Monica Bellucci is the most beautiful woman over 40 in the world entire.

2006-12-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

I noticed today that the plants in my office had not been watered in a couple weeks so I took my water bottle to the water cooler and filled it up. On the third return trip to the water cooler I emptied the last contents of the water jug into my bottle. I took the jug off and was just about to replace it with another when I noticed two dark objects in the bottom of the receiver. I looked closer and saw that they were two big dead centipedes. Yuck! How long have they been in there and how much of that water did I drink. I don't even want to think about it. I cleaned them out and replaced the water jug. Next to the water cooler was an unopened pack of bottled water. I opened it and grabbed three.

2006-11-30T18:03:00.000-08:00

Today I saw an 18-wheeler make a U-turn at a street light. Not a Y-turn. A U-turn. I guess you had to be there but I was kind of impressed.

2006-11-30T17:47:00.000-08:00

Recently a friend of mine was asked to be the Godfather to an acquaintance's newborn son. It came as a bit of a shock given that he hasn't seen or spoken to this acquaintance in two years. Even worse, the acquaintance never took the time to even tell my friend that his wife was pregnant. My friend asked my advice. I told him flat out - say no. For some reason he felt guilty about saying no so he reluctantly said yes. Yesterday the acquaintance called to tell him the Baptism will be held on Saturday, December 23 and it's in another state. So now my friend is expected drive to another state on the biggest holiday weekend of the year to be Godfather to a kid he'll probably never see again.

2006-11-15T09:55:00.000-08:00

The other day my wife and I were shopping at the mall when we walked by the windows of a pet store. Of course she wanted to go inside and I got dragged along. There was a decent crowd of people - all gathered around the dogs (for some reason the cats don't get much attention. Probably because they don't really do anything). Anyway everyone was watching these two little puppies play around with each other. There was the regular "aahs" and "they're so cute" being thrown back and forth. One woman had just remarked to her husband that she wanted one when suddenly one of the puppies paused and got into a semi-squat. With his ass to the window, he started taking a dump. Alright, not the cutest thing but everyone's seen this before. Then the other puppy got behind the first one and started eating the crap directly out of the first dog's ass. It never touched the ground. When they were finished they started sixty-nining each other (both were male). Every couple seconds one would let out a yelp when the other puppy bit down too hard (probably wondering why no milk was coming out). The husband looked at his wife, "You still want one?" "Let's look at the cats."

2006-11-06T14:48:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. I absolutely love it; however, I love Christmas starting the day after Thanksgiving - not the day after Halloween. What's happening to our society? I don't want to hear Christmas music in a store in October. I just read today that a radio station in Chicago has already started 24-hour Christmas music. Does anyone really feel this is appropriate? As a Christmas lover I find it absolutely ridiculous, and every year it just gets worse. It reminds me of when I was a kid and they started the back to school sales in mid-July. I used to get pissed off at the assholes for trying to convince parents that they should buy school supplies over a month before school even started. Give me a chance to enjoy my summer in peace. I feel the same way about Christmas. The holiday should not overshadow Thanksgiving and definitely should not overshadow Halloween.

2006-11-06T14:39:00.000-08:00

I saw two Jennifer Aniston movies this weekend:

1. The Break-Up. I liked it except for the ending. It's obvious the ending was a reshoot, it just didn't seem natural. On the DVD they have an Alternate Ending which clearly was the original ending that the test screenings shot down. I can't say the new ending is much better. Both Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are naturals in this role in the sense that I suspect they are somewhat playing themselves.

If I wasn't watching the movie with my wife and sister I would have played back the Aniston bare ass scene. Ever since, I've been wondering if it's really her or a double. Actually I think I'll look that up right now... Okay, just looked it up. It's all her. Now I really wish I had given it a second look.

2. Friends With Money. This movie was the complete opposite. What a pile of crap. It's not that I don't like chick movies because there are several that I do like and it's not that the movie went over my head - no movie has ever gone over my head. It's just crap. Aniston was completely unconvincing. The comedy was weak. The various threads were often left open and unresolved and Joan Cusack was her usual annoying self. I can't stand the way her face moves when she talks. Maybe it's just me.

2006-11-06T14:27:00.000-08:00

Is there a radio station in Milwaukee that does not play Nickelback? The one damn band I can't stand the most is played on every station in town; and when they're not playing Nickelback they're playing the other same 10 songs over and over. I've also noticed more and more of these stations editing songs down. As a guitar player, it really irks me that they routinely will cut out or shorten guitar solos. Take the Chili Peppers' "Dani California". The best part of the whole song is the end solo and it is cut completely out. It's like playing "Layla" without the piano outro. It's ridiculous. I pretty much only listen to CD's in the car anyway except with my wife who doesn't like "my music." Even though I don't listen to the radio, I've forbidden her from programming KISS FM into my stereo presets. It's purely a matter of principle.

2006-11-01T09:32:00.000-08:00

I was visiting my sister in Minnesota recently. She lives on a 5 acre property as do all her neighbors. I was watching one neighbor across the way load her kids up in the minivan, pull down the driveway and out to the corner about 200 yards away. Here the three kids got out and they waited for the school bus to arrive. Once it came, the mother drove back the 200 yards to her house in reverse and pulled back into the garage. Maybe it's me but the incident just screamed out laziness to me. My sister then informed me that the woman is a stay-at-home mom. Evidently a true stay-at-home mom as the lazy woman can't even walk to the corner, much less drive her kids to and from school.

I have to admit I've never cared for the title stay-at-home mom. I still prefer housewife or homemaker. I guess women felt the term housewife implied subservient to the man but I can't imagine what the problem with homemaker was. I suppose they felt the need to point out that they are a mom so you don't confuse them with one of those women who doesn't have children but doesn't work either spending her days on the golf course and such. Of course how long can you still use the term stay-at-home mom? What if you kids go to college or move out, then what are you? A homemaker I guess.

2006-11-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

Today as I was leaving for work at 6:30 I noticed a small group of high school kids lined up on the corner waiting for the bus. I have to admit I was a little surprised to see several of the kids wearing only T-shirts in the 25 degree cold. I couldn't help but think they were nuts. Don't you kids have lockers to put a coat in? Then I started thinking back on my own youth. I recall back in my day none of the kids ever wore winter hats to school no matter how cold it was. Everyone was too afraid of messing up their hair. Even in grade school at recess we'd all huddle around shivering hatless for a half hour waiting for the bell to ring. I think it was probably around 7th grade when we became too cool for hats. I don't recall anyone ever being too cool for a jacket though. I guess that's just the way it goes. One generation is similar to the next, they just take it a step further. I suppose these kids' kids will be waiting for the bus shirtless in twenty years.

2006-07-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

Today on the ride home I passed a woman who was power walking. I have no problem with the walking part but do you really think you are going to tone up those arms by swinging them around in the power walking style? It looks ridiculous. I've never seen a fit and tone person power walking. There's a simple rule to follow, no pain, no gain.

2006-07-25T15:59:00.000-07:00

I can't believe RV is coming out on DVD already (August 15th). It entered the theatres on April 28th. 3.5 months from theatrical release to DVD release. That's a real indicator of bad news for the film industry. As a former Hollywood development employee, I can tell you despite all the talk of record weekends, the film industry is in big trouble.

#1 - At $6 a ticket, people will see just about anything just to get out. At $10 a ticket people only want to see something they are certain will be good. This means everyone sees the same movie (Pirates of the Caribbean) and avoids everything else (RV). Hollywood cannot survive on a few monster successes. It needs an even balance of huge hits, modest successes, break evens, and failures.
#2 - When everyone had a 19" TV and a VCR, the movie going experience was always better. When everyone gets a widescreen 50" plasma screen TV with 5.1 stereo all of a sudden the theatre going experience is not so great. With shorter time spans between theatrical release and DVD release, this will only get worse.

The end result is there will be fewer movies made as studios cut back on production deals and studios will take less risks on innovative films and instead churn out the same old thing. Look at this summer, how many movies came out that were original ideas and not a sequel or remake?

2006-07-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

I caught Summerfest twice this year: opening night and the second saturday. Frankly I'm somewhat surprised numbers are down considering Saturday night it felt more crowded than I've ever felt (and I used to work the grounds crew back in the days of the really big crowds). They call it a success and I suppose it is a success any year they make money, it doesn't rain too much and there is no violent crime. I do however think there is still plenty of room for improvement:

1. Get rid of the picnic tables around the stages. Despite all the claimed improvements to Miller, once people climb on top of those picnic tables, you really can't see anything. The bleachers are perfectly adequate. People standing on top of bleachers are much better than those on top of picnic tables.
2. Raise all the stages or bowl out the surrounding seating areas to improve sight-lines. Miller is supposed to be the best stage on the grounds yet it has some of the worst sight-lines of any stage. The stage is like 4 feet off the ground. When you combine that with people on picnic tables, you can't see anything. On the contrary, the stage with the best sight-lines is the non-permanent south end stage by Marcus (I can't remember the sponsor they're always changing). This stage is high off the ground, there are no picnic tables, and the pavement slopes down towards the stage. You can put thousands of people in this area and you still can see the band from way in back.
3. Much like you have local restaurants selling their food, have local specialty stores sell their wares instead of the same old carnival fake-ethnic crap they sell every year in the tents.
4. Improve the entertainment in the sports area. My first job at Summerfest was running the men's bathroom in this area so I've sat through a lot of half-assed competitions and such. You know it's bad when five people show up for a bodybuilding competition and three of them have such bad physiques that someone yells out "put your shirt back on."
5. Expand some activities to the new island which should be complete next year. Anything to help thin out the crowd would be a good idea.
6. I can't believe I'm saying this but bring back the kids area underneath the bridge behind Marcus. With no designated teen area, I found the grounds to be overrun with teens everywhere except the classic rock stage. How much money do these kids have? I probably dropped $150 on two visits and didn't buy one beer.
7. Ban the wearing of Cubs hats. Damn FIBS are everywhere nowadays.

2006-07-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on my way to the Bastille Run I saw two different Jeeps with a decal that read:

It's a Jeep thing, you wouldn't understand.!

I would like to talk to one of these Jeep owners and inquire what it is I don't understand about the appeal of Jeeps, particularly rather average looking Liberty. Is there something about Jeeps that stand out from other vehicles? I don't see it. What I do see is a loser who overdoses on self-affirmation by trying to think like they joined some exclusive club.

"I'm a Jeep owner. I've now made it in life."

What I truly don't understand though is why have a period and an exclamation point at the end? Why not just the exclamation point?

2006-07-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

I really can't stand paranoid drivers. Yesterday I was following a guy on the freeway. He was going two miles over the speed limit. Driving in the opposite direction, across a wide grassy median was a state patrol car. So what does this guy do? Of course he steps on the brakes.

#1 - A cop in a moving car cannot radar you.
#2 - He was going in the opposite direction across a wide median.
#3 - No cop is going to give you a ticket for go 2 over the speed limit.

Another thing I can't stand is drivers who ride your bumper thinking they can bully you into driving faster. I encountered this on my way to work. I checked my speedometer - a good 8 miles over the limit. That's good enough for me. Eventually the guy went around, and here's the part I find annoying, he didn't accelerate away. Drivers like this have the old mentality that a cop will always pull over the car in the lead and anyone following can just say they were keeping pace. Once they find themselves in the lead they slow down. Damn cowards.

2006-06-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

My good friend Bob has a 6-year old nephew that is a real terror. They other day they had this conversation:

Rob - "Tell me a story Danny."

Danny - "Uncle Bobby dies... the end."

2006-06-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

My wife and I have a friend that just announced her wedding date... and it's on a friday. I know the friday wedding is becoming a growing trend but I personally think it's crap. A friday wedding is nothing more than a statement saying "I'm cheap and I don't give a damn that you out-of-towners have to take a day of vacation to attend my wedding." The type of bride that has a friday wedding is the type who books a great venue and then when you go to the bar to order a beer you're told it will be $4.00. The truth is, brides focus on too much of the crap that no one cares about: the invitations, the floral arrangements, the table favors. There's really only a couple rules you have to remember to have a successful wedding: feed them well, let them drink for free, and don't have a Friday wedding (unless everyone is local). If you screw any of these three things up, people will think you're cheap no matter how nice the venue, invitations, floral arrangements and table favors are.

2006-06-24T23:42:00.000-07:00

Today I saw something I haven't seen in a long time... a kid on a leash. I really don't understand what kind of parent would do this to their kid; and this was one those retractable leashes that are popular with dog owners nowadays. To me it says, "I'm such a bad parent that I literally need to keep my kid tied to me out of fear that they might wander off." Clearly this type of person has no shame, and even more clearly, probably shouldn't have had kids to begin with.

2006-06-23T06:52:00.000-07:00

My father-in-law is crazy. He has five cordless telephones in a one bedroom apartment:

#1 - living room.
#2 - kitchen.
#3 - computer desk.
#4 - bathroom.
#5 - bedroom.

The real kicker though is that he never answers the phone and he never makes any calls. Never. He will call his wife on occassion and occassionally if he is expecting her call he'll answer but that's it. He never calls anyone else and never really answers for anyone else, yet despite this he has a phone in the bathroom just in case he's in there when someone he doesn't want to talk to calls.

2006-06-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

My wife called me 3 times in my first hour of work.

Call #1 - The usual morning chat.
Call #2 - Look up things to do in Chicago for a day trip.
Call #3 - Our real estate agent sent me an email but I haven't looked at it yet so you should check it out for me.

I kind of blew up at her over the 3rd call. Our agent sends us emails every day, usually several a day, why did she feel this was important enough to warrant a phone call? I think it's a female thing. If I had my work issued cell phone taken away I wouldn't miss it at all. I seriously could go without it. If my wife lost her cell phone she'd probably have a heart attack.

2006-06-23T06:43:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, if I worked in the Sears Tower, I'd probably start looking for a new job - preferably something closer to the ground. I'm not normally the paranoid type but this talk of terrorists and the tallest building in the country would make me damn nervous if I worked there. It's like when I lived in L.A., whenever I went in a high rise I always had this thought: "I better not linger up here too long just in case the big one hits." The few earthquakes I sat through were actually kind of fun (on the 2nd floor), however if I was riding them out on the 40th floor you bet I'd be crapping my pants.

2006-06-06T05:47:00.000-07:00

Today I was driving behind a contractor's truck and I noticed his back window was full of bumper stickers of the likes of: "Bush Won. Deal With It." My thoughts were, considering this truck is advertising his business, does he really want to bring politics into the fray? I suppose some people might be offended but it wouldn't stop me from calling the guy... until I read his homemade bumper sticker. "Smart Democrates become Republicans." If you can't spell Democrats you won't be getting my business.

2006-06-04T12:14:00.000-07:00

Every time I go downtown, I can't imagine what must be going through the heads of those people who paid top dollar to have a high rise condo view of the city in the brand new Kilbourn Tower only to have that view wiped away by yet another even higher condo right next door - the University Club Tower. I've seen houses on the northside that are spaced father apart than that. Even worse, the still under construction University Club Tower didn't even put windows in on their north facing side so now the tenants in Kilbourn Tower who once had the best view in town (for about a year), now have a view of a block wall. Can you say plummeting values? The funny thing is if you go on the website of either building, neither one has any photos or artist redenderings that acknowledge the presence of the other building looming right next to it. Here's what they're selling:

http://www.kilbourntower.com/views.htm

http://www.universityclubtower.com/

Here's what you get: http://www.emporis.com/en/il/im/?id=452867

If I had a south facing unit of Kilbourn Tower, I'd feel like I got played big time.

2006-06-04T12:06:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to go golfing with a friend today but he just called to say he can't make it. Apparently a friend of his wife who was 8 months pregnant, lost her baby so they are going to go over to console her. My friend is not quite sure what his role is supposed to be. Maybe he's supposed to talk to the husband but I don't think they are all that close so it is kind of awkward and it doesn't sound like he wants to go. This sounds like more of a one on one with his wife and her friend. Apparently they still have to deliver the baby which must be very disheartening. He said they will name it and have a burial, the whole works. This kind of got me thinking. Would you still use your #1 name or would you use a lesser choice and hold on to the #1 name for a hopeful future kid? I guess it depends on how attached you are to that #1 name. Some people, like my wife, picked out a name years ago and have been holding it in secret for all this time. Other people have a couple finalists that are all essentially equal so it wouldn't be all that bad to burn up the current front-runner. I have to admit, I think I'd probably go with a secondary name, or better yet, name the kid after my mother in law.

2006-06-02T04:43:00.000-07:00

I used to get my hair cut at Cost Cutters, Supercuts etc. I always hated going, it's not the price, rather it's just the hassle of scheduling a time to go down and then wait for an opening and then hope the stylist understands the look I was going for. After a couple years of watching them cut my hair I started to realize it didn't really look all that hard. I watched what they did, #3 blade on the sides and back with the electric trimmers and then a finger's width on top. Surely it can't be that hard. Two years ago I bought a home haircut kit from Target for $15 and I started cutting my own hair. I was actually surprised at both how easy it was and how well it turned out. There really was no discernable difference. No one ever believes me when I tell them. For some reason people think I must use a flowbee because you just can't cut your own hair. Well you can, it's really not that hard.

2006-05-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

I'm suddenly depressed. Out of boredom, waiting for the impending weekend, I decided to google some names from the past. First up was my college Freshman year roommate. The same guy who skipped class the entire year, brewed beer in our dorm room, and finished the year with a 2.5 GPA. Well now he has a Ph.D in Chemistry from Berkeley and is a college Chemistry professor. I haven't seen him in 10 years but he looked good in the picture.

Then I looked up a guy from my Fraternity. Last time I read about this guy he was a surf bum who made the news for getting stranded on a rock in San Francisco. Well it seems now he owns a fleet of food service carts in Chicago with sales in the millions.

I then decided to look myself up. Wow. Not much there. Pretty much just my one film credit from my five year stint in Hollywood for a movie I've never even seen. It's weird, I've walked by the movie several times in the library but I've never had a desire to rent it. I need to do something big just in the off chance that someone should deside to google me. The question is what? This will haunt me all weekend.

2006-05-22T06:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I attended the my wife's graduation from Marquette. She had two ceremonies to attend. The first was at the Bradley Center and was for all Marquette graduates. The second was at the Gesu church and this was just for the Nursing Master's and Bachelor's graduates. As to be expected, both ceremonies were long and dull. I felt myself almost nodding off until someone tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey can you give me a dollar or two for a sandwich? Hey can you give me a dollar or two for a sandwich?" I didn't even turn around to look at the assumed homeless person but I couldn't help but think about how desperate someone must be to actually walk into the middle of a graduation ceremony in a packed church and ask for money. Maybe he was mentally ill. Since I didn't look at him, I really don't know. I think someone else must have shuffled him out pretty quick.

2006-05-17T09:36:00.000-07:00

My wife bought another purse last weekend. She now owns 5 purses: light brown Coach, dark brown Coach, black Coach, straw summer purse, and the latest - a dark brown Monsac with matching wallet. It seems like overkill to me. You'd think one great purse would be sufficient, especially considering the hassle of having to swap everything out of one purse and into another. She didn't take my criticism too well. My philosophy generally is to not replace anything until it's truely broken. Socks are perfectly good until they get holes in them. I still have the T-shirt my parents bought me in Paris in 1986 - still wear it too "La Ville Lumiere". I have a hierarchy of running shoes. The highest tier is the newest pair of shoes which I only use for running. When they lose enough cushioning where my knees start to hurt, these shoes are demoted to casual shoes. After a year or so of being casual shoes they are demoted to mowing the grass/yardwork shoes. Here they stay until they develop a hole and have to be tossed. I currently have two pairs of New Balances in this third category. They'll likely be joined by another pair soon as my knees are starting to hurt and I think it's about time I get a new pair for running. I don't know, I just can't get myself to throw them away. It's amazing what you can salvage with a little needle and thread. Hopefully this 5th purse will be the last for awhile.

2006-05-03T05:50:00.000-07:00

It's not even a week past secretary's day and our secretary is already pissing me off. For the third time in two days she's transferred a truck driver to me asking for directions to our office. Now I'm not the type who thinks managers are above this sort of thing but come on, this is clearly the domain of the secretary. I even offered to load up mapping software on her computer but she refused. She's the type of secretary who only does what she has to do and that probably is what upsets me the most. She also conveniently plays stupid whenever she doesn't know how to do things with the computer -- which is just about everything. If the boss didn't have 'relations' with her I'd probably be a little more vocal but for the moment I guess I have to deal with it.

And what the hell is the deal with these freaking truck drivers? Isn't it their job to know how to get somewhere? Have you ever heard of Mapquest? Don't you have a dispatcher? One of these times I'm just going to chew some guy out. One ass wasn't even on the road. He was calling from home which pissed me off even more. One guy yesterday was calling from St. Louis asking for directions to Waukesha. Lucky for him he called because he thought he was going to Wausau. Idiots.

2006-05-02T06:06:00.002-07:00

Are there any theatre shows in Milwaukee that do not star John McGivern? This guy is everywhere. I've never seen any of his work but I find his complete blanketing of the market to be annoying. Are we really a one actor town? And don't get me started on Pat McCurdy.

It's nice to see that they finally downgraded the BoDeans to the Miller Lite Oasis for Summerfest. Sure they are a popular local band but the Marcus Stage should be reserved for big acts. The BoDeans prime came and went with Party of Five anyway. Having said that, I'm not too impressed with the main stage acts yet. Pearl Jam is a good snag but what's the deal with Tom Petty. Maybe it's my memory but it seems he plays the main stage every year. Oh well, I usually stick to the beer stages anyway.

What's the deal with the fat guy dancing in "The Brew" commercial. Is it supposed to be funny? I find it annoying. Every time Milwaukee takes a step in the right direction, you get some jackass pulling us back into the stereotype of the fat, beer drinking idiots who wear foam cheese on their heads. Have you ever even seen a cheese factory? I haven't.

2006-04-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

We have one secretary in our office (or administrative assistant if you want to be PC) and she's also the only woman in our company. This is the same woman I've complained about who's always asking for money for her son's many extra-curricular activities. Well today I find out it's secretary's day so now I have to chip in $20 for a gift. This is beside the fact that she doesn't do anything for me. I have to admit, at first I refused. I've already given $20 for her Christmas present and $20 for her birthday present and now I have to chip in for secretary's day? Is it not enough that she gets an entire bathroom all to herself? I guarantee, if she was a man she wouldn't get anything extra. She already gets a year end bonus, why do we employees have to throw in extra for her? Hell her bonus was higher than mine and I'm a manager. I would venture to say that I help her more than she helps me. She doesn't know how to do anything with the computer and she's very quick to pass the buck whenever she can. It really irks me that I have to pay my own hard earned money on someone who will barely give me a thank you but then again, if I'm the only one who rocks the boat then I'm the asshole in everyone's eyes. She's getting a $120 gift certificate for secretary's f'ing day. That's ridiculous.

2006-04-12T05:49:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is thinking of running the Boston Marathon next week with no training. He's run the race in the past so this wouldn't be his first time but it would be his first time with no training. He's the type of guy who gets pleasure out of testing his limits. He's also thinking about bringing his blackberry along for the run and blogging about the experience as the race progresses. The only thing holding him back is his fear of a long term injury given that he's had knee problems in the past.

One thing I find annoying about marathons is all the people who brag about having run a marathon and then you find out they walked half the distance. No you didn't run a marathon, you ran 12 miles. There's a big difference. In fact, I think the organizers of these marathons should have a reasonable cut off time where they close the course off if you haven't made it to a certain point. This would at least maintain the integrity of the race.

My wife took part in two short triathlons last year. The swim portion (which comes first) was fairly short - maybe a quarter mile at best. I was amazed at how many people couldn't even finish that portion. There were lifeguards all over rendering assistance. One race participant actually had a snorkel, mask and flippers and he was allowed to compete. Everyone got a medal once the race was over. It's like this is the special olympics or something.

2006-04-12T05:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got pulled over for the fourth time in my sixteen years of driving. 59 in a 45 outside of Burlington. I've always made it a policy to be friendly to cops and to not make any excuses and I think it has worked out for me:

1. 40 in a 25 with a learner's license (I was 15). Let go.
2. 39 in a 25. Ticket.
3. Taillight out. Warning.
4. 59 in a 45. Let go.

I'm sure there are other factors involved but it never hurts to be friendly in life.

2006-04-08T23:10:00.000-07:00

Once again the gas prices are shooting back up. I'm sure we'll be back over $3 by summertime. I remember it wasn't so many years ago that gas fluctuated 1 cent every couple weeks. Now it can go up 20 cents in one day. I think a big part of the problem is the growth of the SUV market. I think the other half of the problem is China. I'll start with the first:

We've all become addicted to the SUV. I have a Nissan Pathfinder myself. When my wife bought the car 4 years ago, she wanted it because of all the obvious reasons: looked cool, enjoyed sitting up higher, more space etc. If I was in the same boat today, I wouldn't buy another SUV, not with gas prices going the way they are. My concern is that people don't really care much for the greater good. Everyone looks to fulfill their own personal greed. Take a coworker of mine. He has a company pickup truck that he can use for personal use. Despite this he went out and bought a bigger pickup truck for himself and a giant Ford Excursion for his wife. Their reasons boiled down to the same reasons above: the vehicles looked cool. Meanwhile they are burning considerably more fuel as a result of this vanity. My solution to the problem is simple: tie your yearly vehicle registration to your vehicle's fuel economy. The government could take the average of your vehicle's city versus highway mileage and that would be your number. Then they would set an ideal number. For every mile per gallon less, your yearly fee would go up a fixed amount. So a Prius might cost you $50/year and an Excursion might cost you $300. Exceptions would be made for business related heavy vehicles. This seems to me to be a natural step in the right direction. If people want a large SUV, they are entitled to buy one but if they are going to affect the price of gas for the rest of us, then they should have to pay up. Of course, a large portion of the population would not want to pay the extra money and as a result they'd switch over to a more fuel effecient vehicle. This would then pressure the auto makers to make more fuel effecient vehicles and hopefully this trend of increasing gas prices would reverse itself.

Part two is China. I've often felt that we have two extremes in America now - things are either too cheap or too expensive. I don't think anyone will argue that $3.25 a gallon is expensive, health care is expensive, heating your home is expensive etc., but what about the flipside?

14 years ago I decided to buy a VCR to use in my college dorm. I researched around and picked out a reliable, middle-range unit that cost $300. At the time I was making $5/hour so it took me quite awhile to save up the money but despite that, I felt the $300 was a fair price.

I currently have a coworker who makes about $50,000/year. His wife does not work. He has three young children and three big dogs. In his house he has 5 TV's and 5 DVD players. Why is this? Because you can get a DVD player for $29. Even a good one costs about $100. If DVD players were $300, he'd have two at best. My point is this, some things have gotten too cheap. As a result we've fattened ourselves with piles of material items we don't really need just because of the price. The only catch is there is a cost to all this. As China gets richer from making all our goods, their 1 billion citizens go from riding bicycles to scooters and from scooters to cars. They're sucking up all the gas that was meant for us and as a result, our gas prices go up and fluctuate incredibly. Instead of celebrating how you bought this new button down shirt for $3, instead think about the hidden cost to our society. America's consumerism has gotten too fat and we will pay from it in the future. My solution to this problem is import taxes. No one wants more taxes but sometimes you have to look at the big picture. Pigs get fed, hogs get slaughtered.

2006-04-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

I've been to 4 different chain sub sandwich restaurants and I'll rank them from my personal, best to worst as far as quality:

1. Potbelly's
2. Quizno's
3. Cousins
4. Subway

Most people would suspect that I would avoid Subway because of the lesser quality however after tonight I'm choosing to avoid Quizno's and it's not because the sandwiches don't taste good, it's because of the ridiculously high price they charge for a chain restaurant sub. Tonight I was looking for a cheap fast food dinner. I ordered a regular Italian classic - $6.00. That's just for the sandwich - no chips, no soda, no cookie. Am I the only one who thinks that's about $2 too expensive for a fast food sub sandwich? By comparison, Friday night I went to my favorite local Italian restaurant - Tenuta's in Bay View. There I ordered a fantastic meatball sandwich. It came with onion rings and complimentary freshly baked bread with dipping oil. The price - $6.00.

2006-03-29T14:25:00.000-08:00

I've got to admit, I'm a little turned on by the new controversial Britney Spears nude birth statue. I think it's the Boris Vallejo-like qualities the sculptor put into Britney's physique. She's in a somewhat sexual position kneeling with her elbows on a bear rug and her ass high in the air. Aside from her pregnant belly, she doesn't have a pound out of place and exhibits ideal muscle tone. Like it or not, this guy's got some talent to put something that well together just based off of photographs. It's interesting though that none of the news entities actually show the backside of the sculpture - the controversial side where apparently her baby's head is sticking out of her vagina. I guess they can talk about controversy but can't show it. It's probably for the best, I'm sure my admiration for the beauty of the statue would diminish significantly if Sean Preston's head was staring at me. I guess I have never found a comfort level with the act of childbirth. I come from the old school of thought where the father is supposed to sit in the waiting room and I told my wife that that is my intention. Everyone else thinks I'm a jerk for wanting to miss out on the miracle of life. I can't help it, I think it's a little gross.

2006-03-27T15:48:00.000-08:00

My ebay feedback is a measely 22 (all positive) yet something odd just happened today for the second time in my past five auction wins... the seller sent me the item twice. The last time I bought a watch and received two of them. I informed the seller and he gratiously sent me a self-addressed envelope with which to return the watch. This time around it is a collectible. I received the first one a couple days ago. Today, inexplicably the second one arrived. I have to admit, even though I already have the one piece, there is a small temptation on my part to hold on to the second... but I'll do the right thing. I'll email the seller informing him he sent me the item twice and offer to return it to him if he sends me a self addressed stamp with enough to cover the postage. This is a $20 item and the seller has a feedback of something like 30,000 so I doubt he'll miss it but I feel compelled to do the right thing. I wonder what percentage of the population would do the same.

2006-03-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

On Saturday my wife and I met another couple at one of my regular restaurants, The Wicked Hop in the 3rd Ward. Upon arrival at 7 we were told there was a 1.25 hour wait. We found a booth in the adjacent bar area and decided to wait it out. After the required 1.25 hour wait, we checked in. Still 6 names down the list. Okay, we'll take some appetizers. The waitress showed up with the regular menu, then it occurred to me... we're sitting at a booth, we're ordering appetizers off the menu, why don't we just order our whole meal. "Just appetizers on this side of the bar" said the waitress. So we ordered some appetizers and another round of drinks and waited it out. After 2.25 hours we checked back in. "Still a couple names back." "Come on, we've been here since 7." "Okay, I'll move you up to the next table." Well that was easy enough. A few minutes later we were seated and had a nice meal. When all was said and done I really only had one complaint - and it's not the wait. It's the fact that they play the music too loud. Everybody wants good music in the background and it should be loud enough, (I'm not looking for Starbuck's here) but should I really have to yell to talk to people sitting at the same table as me? It's not like this is a dance club.

2006-03-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

It was interesting to see so many people out yesterday given that it really wasn't that warm out. The temperature topped out at 48 degrees yet it seemed everyone who owned a motorcycle was out riding it. I really have no problem with that, it's the people who were riding their bikes with shorts on that threw me. Seriously, 48 degrees is hardly warm. It's not even Spring-like. I suppose though I got hooked up in it all too. After driving by a golf course and seeing that it was full of golfers, I decided to stop by the Golf Galaxy in Brookfield to check out a new putter. The only problem is I couldn't get in. The entire driveway was blocked by a line of cars waiting to get in the car wash. I actually counted 25 cars in a single line. I tried to figure out what these people were thinking. "Hooray, hooray, it's 48 degrees, the sun is out what should we do? I know, let's wait in line at the car wash."

2006-03-22T11:23:00.000-08:00

I was reading on the computer today the story about the family that got stranded for several days when their RV got stuck in 4 feet of snow in the Oregon mountains. Some people read stories like these and say, "wow, what a feel good story. I'm so glad they survived." Others read it and say, "what a bunch of idiots, how could they have been so stupid?" I come from more of the latter camp. I admit, I passed judgment on these people right from the start and it's not because of their ordeal... it's because of what they named their children.

Sebastyan and Gabrayell.

Now one of two things happened here (neither of which is good).

#1 - In a white trash sort of way, they tried to come up with a really unique spelling for some already uncommon names. or #2 (and I think more likely) they are so uneducated that they don't even know how to spell Sebastian and Gabrielle.

Once I saw their pictures, my judgment was cemented - the dictionary description of trailer trash. It kind of reminds me of the auto parts store on the northside that is listed in the phone book under - Otto Pars.

2006-03-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine and I are in an argument over the legitimacy of dog show results. My contention is that dog shows are shams because there is only one judge. I can understand judging dogs within a breed, but how can they legitimately say one example of one breed is superior to an example of another breed, particularly after a such a brief examination. If you want to make it legitimate you should have multiple judges. My contention is that the reason they don't is because they honestly can't tell if one breed is better than another. It is a subjective opinion and if they had five judges they very well could have votes for five different dogs as best in show.

2006-03-18T06:47:00.000-08:00

I wonder how much money AOL has spent trying to market their product to me? I must have received 40 AOL "free trial" discs over the years and they come in all sorts of different packaging in a failed attempt to impress me: jewel cases, DVD snap-cases, tin cases. You know they must have some marketing meetings where someone says, "We haven't had much success with the shrink wrapped on cardboard discs we've sent out, so let's try some more expensive DVD snap-cases instead." Here's a novel thought, give me a superior product at a great price and I'll try it out but please, stop filling my mailbox with this landfill junk.

2006-03-18T06:22:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to get tired of passwords. I need a freaking password for just about everything. For awhile I had a simple password but then every other website would have some specific rule - "must be at least 7 characters". So I changed to a new standard password and then came more rules "must include at least one number and one letter". Fine, another change to my standard, then, "cannot have the same number or letter repeating." Dammit, this is pissing me off.

I actually have had an ATM card for six months without knowing the pin number. I remember before going to the bank I gave consider thought to what my pin would be and I came up with a number that had some significance and would be easy to remember - 1138. Then I went in, got my card and typed in the number. Refused! Two 1's in a row. C'mon. So I went with a backup 1214. Refused! Can't have a sequential number. So I had to make up a new number on the spot and of course I forgot it.

Now I come into work today (yes it's a Saturday) and my computer informed me that once again it's time to change my password. It seems I have to change this damn thing on a fairly regular basis so I came up with a good solution - password1, password2, password3 etc. After going up through password5 I figured I'd start over at the beginning again with password1 - then I got this notice - "cannot repeat any of the previous 24 passwords". Are you f'in kidding me? Who the hell is going to come up with 24 passwords? Of course you know what usually happens in this situation. The user just gives up and puts a post it note on their monitor reminding themselves, and anyone else who walks by, what the password is. Ridiculous.

2006-03-16T15:43:00.000-08:00

Sure I read Dear Abby sometimes, but it's not for her saccharine advice. No, I just want to see how far off the norm they will go with the fake names they use. You never see:

My husband, "Mike" and my son, "John" always have a tradition of...

Instead it's always something more like:

My husband, "Archibald" and my son, "Xavier" always have a tradition of...

I also kind of wonder why anyone even asks Abby for advice. You have to figure the turnaround time can't be all that great and usually the advice seekers are on a bit of a deadline. It makes you think how many people must be out there reading the paper hoping today is the day Abby finally tells them whether or not they should put down their sick dog.

2006-03-16T07:55:00.000-08:00

I really believe we as a society have become much too sensitive and as a result, people tend to read into things far too much. Yesterday I was reading some posts on a collectors' forum. A representative of one company was on the forum explaining his frustration with the misinformation various collectors were spreading around about his product. He titled the post - Mein Kampf which is German for My Struggle. It's also the title of a book written by Hitler. One poster pointed out this fact and seemed somewhat offended. The representative immediately apologized and said he meant no disrespect. The next day the CEO of his company came on the board and stated that the employee was suspended without pay for 3 months. I asked the opinion of a friend of mine who works in corporate marketing. He said the guy should have been fired. My feelings are that the guy made an innocent comment and immediately apologized for it, should his career with this company be over for the infraction? In my opinion, no.

I have another friend who works for the state. He was on his way to a staff meeting and as he passed a group of female coworkers who were lingering he said, "let's go girls." One of them complained citing that they are "women" not "girls" and as a result this friend is forced to take sensitivity training.

I began to get depressed thinking that this is the future of the workplace. A personality stifling environment where everyone is forced to act like robots. Then I attended my own staff meeting this morning. One female member of the staff was not present and the President inquired, "Is Jane coming?" To which a coworker replied, "No, she's just breathing heavy." Everyone had a good laugh.

It's nice to know there is at least one other person who wants to buck the system.

2006-03-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

My wife and I are trying to have a kid... and it's damn hard. Who would have thought after the fear propaganda I had to endure in high school? I still remember the lectures fresh in my mind at my first sex ed class - "If you so much as look at a girl the wrong way, you can get her pregnant." The first time I had sex I actually wore two condoms for double the protection. Of course, in an attempt to impress my steed, I stayed the course longer than I should have and both condoms slipped off. Luckily she wasn't pregnant but I went through a couple weeks of fear. Now I'm looking at the opposite effect. My wife is telling me all this stuff about how we have to do it on certain days and have to do it multiple times and it could take years and then if it still doesn't happen we'll need to see a specialist.

I don't know what's scarier, thinking you got a girl pregnant or fearing that you can't.

2006-03-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

In an earlier post I stated how I avoid buying Boy Scout/Girl Scout/school related sales drive items from parents. I think these things are for the kids and the kids should be the ones out selling the stuff.

Well I must admit, about a month ago I broke down and bought two $1 candy bars from a woman I work with primarily because I was hungry. I'm not even sure what the cause was but the point is I supported it. Now here we are, about a month later, and she has a new sign up sheet for cheesecake for her son's wiffle ball team. As I was walking by she had to point out to another coworker that I'm not on the cheesecake list. And so the pressure begins. #1 - I don't like cheesecake. #2 - cheesecake is more expensive than candy bars. #3 - As stated above, I'm against the concept to begin with. Let's also keep in mind that this isn't a church group who's saving up money to go on a Habitat for Humanity trip; this is a private wiffle ball league, which basically means I'm supposed to buy cheesecake just so this woman and her husband don't have to spend as much money on their kid's league. Now it's one thing just to put a sign up sheet for anyone who's interested but to actually put pressure on me to support this I think is ridiculous. Where is this money going anyway? Something tells me that these kids are probably dressed in Major League quality uniforms and play at places like the fancy little field at Miller Park. When I played Waukesha Park Rec. baseball as a kid, all I got was a T-shirt that said Cardinals on it and a plain red trucker hat - and you know what? I liked it.

I should sell my own cheesecake's and make myself be the cause. "What am I supporting by buying this?" "You are supporting me. Now buy some damn cheesecake so I can get a plasma TV."

2006-03-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

My wife doesn't seem to understand the concept of headphones. Headphones suit two purposes, to keep the internal speaker sound contained within the phone and to keep external noise out. It's the second part that she doesn't seem to get.

She recently received a portable DVD player with a 7" screen as part of a work promotion. A portable DVD player is one of those items I've always wanted but didn't want to spend my own money on. I was looking forward to trying it out on the long drive up to my parents' house in Door County this past weekend. I got myself all set in the passenger seat of the car. The DVD player on my lap, a bag of licorice to my side and my big oversized headphones covering my ears. I flipped through my DVD library and selected Pumping Iron (the Arnold Schwarzenegger bodybuilding documentary) as my first screening. I was barely past the opening menus when a certain buzz could be heard emanating from the cabin of the car. What's that noise? Is she trying to talk to me? Then a tap on my leg. I remove one headphone and listen:

Wife: Why'd you pick that movie?
Me: I don't know, I haven't seen it in awhile.

I subtlely put the headphone back over my ear as I listen to Arnold potificate about how pumping iron is better than sex. Then the noise again. Every few seconds there is a pause and I instictively mutter a "yeah". Years of training have taught me that when women talk they usually are just spouting about something they want you to agree on so a "yeah" response typically suffices. Of course I generally only get off a couple "yeah's" before I get the "are you listening to me?"

"Yeah I'm listening to you."

"Well what did I just say?"

I quickly think back, trying to piece together a word or two that might infer that I was listening. She was talking about her friend, oh wait, that was like five minutes ago. I think she said something about our house search...

"When we find the right house, we'll know."

"Yeah. That house in Waukesha was nice but it just didn't do it for me. I don't think I'm ready for that. On the other hand I really like that house in Shorewood but I'm concerned that..."

She bought it. At least I won't get yelled at but now I realize I've missed two minutes of the movie. Oh well. Off it goes.

"Aren't you going to watch the movie?"

"I think I'm going to sleep." I recline the chair and close my eyes. The car goes silent.

That she understands.

2006-03-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

I always kind of wondered what would happen if you walked into a bank with a ski mask on? Would they immediately sound the alarm, ask you to remove the mask, or let you do your banking all the while hoping that you don't pull out a gun? I would think #3. I just read an article however where someone did this very thing, only they threw in a part where they said "give me all your money... just kidding." This guy was arrested and could face five years in jail for his prank. It kind of got me thinking, why even make ski masks anymore? As a skier, I can't remember the last time I saw someone wearing the full on ski mask. I mean seriously, if it's that cold, stay off the mountain. Even the least fashionably conscious seem to know that a ski mask is so 1970's - except bank robbers of course.

2006-03-08T10:08:00.001-08:00

I was taking a post workout shower at the gym last night when I noticed something a bit peculiar. The guy across from me was shaving - not so unusual right? Except he was shaving his testicles. One hand on the razor, one hand delicately pulling his penis up and out of the way... oh, and did I mention that he was semi-erect? That's right, semi-erect. It didn't help that the shower "room" is about the size of a walk-in closet. Needless to say, I didn't stick around to find out whether that semi-erect would turn into a full salute.

So I grabbed my towel and went back to my locker, trying hard to forget what I just saw. That's when I happened upon the guy with the barbell pierced through his penis. I felt an instant case of shrinkage as my own penis screamed in pain with just the thought of having a metal rod stabbed through it. Look away, look away... and I did, only to set eyes upon the poor bastard - a guy who's been cursed with the worst genetics. A Turkish looking man with a big full beard, big full neck beard, a hairy chest and a back like a shag carpet. He'd be a walking yeti if not for the shine coming off his balding head.

I barely dried off, got my stuff and got out of there. I met my wife in the lobby and asked her if she's ever seen any weird stuff in the women's showers. "No, we have individual stalls with curtains." Figures.

2006-03-08T09:43:00.000-08:00

It seems a week doesn't go by in the newspaper where the Milwaukee Public School district is crying about budget shortfalls. My company recently bid on a large MPS job and were awarded the job as low bidders. A couple days later however we were informed that we filled out the bid form incorrectly. We basically checked one box wrong. They did not allow us the chance to correct our mistake and awarded the job to the second lowest bidder. The only thing is, they made the exact same mistake. So they moved on to the third lowest bidder and awarded them the job. Their quote was a full $50,000 higher than ours. So basically the school district is throwing away $50k on what amounts to an honest typo. Just think about what they could buy with that money. What a waste.

2006-03-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

I have a friend with a 7 year old boy who is a real brat. The kid is basically uncontrollable and talks back to everyone. Unfortunately no one does anything to stem this behavior asides from the usual "time out" talk, which he ignores.

I was over at their house for a grill out with several friends and relatives and of course, this kid had to be the center of attention. He decided to challenge me to a race. Alright kid, I'll take you up. We mapped out the course and got in the starting position. Though it is against standard racing protocol, I let him do the "ready, set, go." Of course he jumped the gun but it didn't matter - I smoked his ass. It was like the tortoise and the hare. Once he realized he had no chance of winning, he quit and started pouting but I'd have nothing of it. I pranced around like a winner and announced to everyone that I won and he lost. The assembled adults boo'ed me. The kid said I cheated and I inquired how. "You're supposed to let me win." Then the adults chimed in, "C'mon, let the kid win." So I responded, "alright, we'll race again and this time I'll let you win." Once again we got set and once again he jumped the gun on the 'ready, set, go' and once again I smoked his ass. Life's a bitch kid, get used to it.

2006-03-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

I find it kind of depressing to think that every address in the phone book has its own white and yellow pages (sometimes multiple copies of each). Not only that, but you get a new set every year. How much does it cost to manufacture these deadweights? I'm sure there are some people who really put their phone books to use but I suspect the vast majority use theirs only sparingly. I'm at the point where I use the internet to look up everything so my old phone books get tossed in the trash at the end of the year without ever having been used. It just seems like such a huge waste. I think there would be no harm in the phone company limiting phone books to people who actually request them and those that don't want them should get a credit. It seems like common sense to me.

2006-03-04T21:11:00.000-08:00

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day. He has a whirlpool tub in his bathroom so of course I had to mention: "I bet you and the wife put that to use." He responded that they don't have sex (her choice) and he didn't find this information out until after they were engaged. What do you tell the guy?

Yesterday he set up a purely business meeting with an ex-girlfriend. One who he confided to me was the best he's ever had. Now I took that with a grain of salt because this guy is a chronic overexaggerator... but then I saw her. This girl was a solid 8 on my strict scale. To put that in perspective, I figure there are maybe 6 eight pluses out of 100 women of the same age. So let's compare:

Ex-girlfriend
1. younger (by four years)
2. prettier
3. better body
4. big chest
5. sexual dynamo
6. fun lover

wife
1. not as young
2. not as pretty
3. average body
4. small chest
5. avoids sex like the plague
6. scrabble champion

Now I might sound superficial in all this but this is what men really think. For the life of me, I can't see why he broke up with the ex-girlfriend - it's not like she had a crap personality or anything. I would think every guy wants to wind up with the best woman physically and sexually that he has ever been with, otherwise you'll always be thinking back to those D-cups as you are holding those A-cups. It's cruel but that's the way it is. I could almost see the memories flashing through his head as I sat in on this meeting. Afterwards I asked him what he was thinking when he dumped her. He said she did things like "buying him a sweater" or called a friend and found out he was at a bar and then showed up. I still didn't get it and I think he was starting to wonder the same thing. The amazing part is he dumped this girl for a real bitch (not his wife). The new girlfriend had her friends tell him what kind of engagement ring to buy her specifying the size at that it had to be from Tiffanys. Luckily he eventually got out of that relationship, and his wife is a good woman... but those D's.

2006-03-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

As an aside to my previous post, a good friend of mine just asked my opinion on a ring. He bought his wife a $9000 engagement ring and a $700 platinum wedding band. Now she has decided that she would like a third band with 7 channel diamonds on it. It's priced $2400 at Tiffanys but at least he is smart enough to realize that Tiffanys is a complete sham. There is no real difference between their jewelry and other reputable jewelers. The only difference is the price. This is why women who have Tiffany rings have to announce, "it's from Tiffanys" because no one would know otherwise. Of course they'll tell anyone who'll listen which makes it all the more annoying. Anyway, I told my friend that I think having a third ring on the ring finger kind of lessens the symbolism of the other two rings.

Here was his response: "I really don't have a problem with the three rings. The engagement ring won't be overshadowed and that one was the one that matters."

I think the way things were originally designed, it is the wedding ring that is supposed to matter. Ironically the wedding band is the least expensive. What does the engagement ring really symbolize? A desire to get married. Once you get married the ring really symbolizes nothing, aside from showing how whipped your boyfriend was.

2006-03-04T19:08:00.000-08:00

My wife came home the other day and told me that a friend of hers, who has been waiting to get engaged, finally had the question popped. Of course, as women always do, the conversation immediately switched over to the ring. She described this ring as "big", "wow", "I wonder how much that cost, etc." It got me thinking about how commercialized the entire engagement/wedding process has become. This "expensive" ring is just the beginning of a ridiculous outflow of money. Now that the ring is out of the way, discussion always moves on to the wedding. Preliminary talk is of 400 guests. Grandma's list alone is 75 people. I've been to enough expensive weddings lately to know the stress, pain, and lack of fun that this couple will be forced to endure over the next year. If only they knew what was coming. Everyone thinks their wedding will be different but they rarely are. A friend of mine got married awhile back at what I would consider a pretty expensive wedding (his band cost more than my whole reception). As weddings go it was fairly typical - which means boring. The bride and groom threw in the towel at 11:00 p.m.

"Hey, everyone's moving on to that bar across the street." "Yeah, we're a little tired. I think we're going to turn in for the night." "But it's your wedding night?"

I asked them a couple weeks later what their favorite part of the wedding was.

Groom - "The bus ride."
Bride - "I don't remember. The whole day was just a blur."

$25G spent on one day and that is the best you can do?

I remember another expensive wedding I went to at one of the more exclusive locations in town. The wedding couple broke the two most important rules of a reception - feed your guests well and give them plenty to drink. There was no open bar - not even for the basics and the food consisted of one table of appetizers. Well, I figured, at least it's at a nice place. Then a bus pulled up and another bridal party got out. A cameraman followed and started taking pictures of the group all over the grounds around us. Then a second bus pulled up and another bridal party got out. Shortly after there was an announcement. "Ladies and gentlemen. The next reception has arrived and we have to vacate the premises." I checked my watch - it was 2:00 in the afternoon and I was getting kicked out. I couldn't help but think, "this cost $20,000?" So here we are at 2:00 and everyone's wondering, what do we do now? The answer was there really wasn't a plan. So they winged it which resulted in an uncomfortable romp through a couple establishments finishing the night off at a gay bar.

This is the bride that bought her own engagement ring. Her husband had limited finances and proposed to her with a cubic zirconia - which was supposed to be temporary until he could afford the real thing. Of course the cubic zirconia was at least a carat. She accepted but didn't tell anyone it was a fake diamond. I think eventually the stress got to her so she went out and bought herself the ring she really wanted... only she eventually decided it wasn't the ring she really wanted so she went out and bought another ring which really was the one she wanted... only now she's considering upgrading its already hefty 1.5 carats.

Another wedding I went to was at one of the finest churches in town, however the couple were not members as it was clear when the priest mistakenly switched the name of the bride with that of her sister (the Maid of Honor). Throughout the entire ceremony he kept talking about how great this couple was, every time giving the wrong names. Actually it was pretty funny, though there was some embarrassment afterwards.

So a couple days ago my wife came home saying her friend that just got engaged is really upset. It seems she took the "huge" ring in to get sized and the jeweller asked if she was aware of the equally "huge" visible inclusion. It seems her boyfriend bought the ring online. I figure one of two things happen. Either he got taken. Or her purposely tried to buy the biggest, but worst quality diamond he could find. Neither is good.

Let the stress begin.

As for my own wedding. My wife and I bypassed all the stress by getting married abroad, just the two of us. Two hours before our ceremony I was swimming in the ocean. It was a great day. When we came home we had a small reception with a very limited guest list of only 50 people. The whole atmosphere was relaxed and we were able to give each guest some quality time - not to mention plenty to eat and drink.

2006-02-28T03:16:00.000-08:00

Everyday I get depressed driving home when I see those guys dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving to cars outside of Liberty Tax Services (of which there are multiple branches around town.) First of all the Statue of Liberty gowns and foam crown look stupid - particularly with the layers of winter clothes these people wear underneath. Then of course it is the complete lack of enthusiasm with which they wave to all the cars passing by. I've driven by several of these Liberty Tax Services and every one of these "Statue of Liberty's" looks like they've hit rock bottom. It's just so damn depressing and of course the last thing it makes me think about is "hey, I should go to Liberty Tax Services to do my taxes."

2006-02-28T03:08:00.000-08:00

Our company just moved into a new facility that has two single stall private bathrooms. Our sole female employee took it upon herself to go out and buy a "WOMENS" sign for one of the bathrooms. This of course means that the remaining 7-10 men have to share the other one. I personally don't see why she needs to have her own bathroom. I complained to some of the other guys however they don't see it as a problem. They refer to her need for privacy as "women's stuff." Am I in the wrong here? I've seen in other small companies where the bathrooms are unisex and there's no issue. If there were 2 or 3 women I could understand but one woman just doesn't make sense to me.

I've decided to start sneaking into the "WOMENS" bathroom to leave the toilet seat up.

2006-02-22T14:35:00.000-08:00

I was at the new Circuit City in Brookfield today getting a satellite radio installed in a friend's vehicle. At the back door, which was locked, was a sign that said "Push button for service". Beneath it was written, presumably, the same thing in braille. The only catch was beneath the braille were several arrows pointing to the button on an adjacent wall and beneath the arrows was an alarm system keypad. So basically on the odd chance that a blind person should actually find and read the braille sign, they'll start pushing the alarm system keypad because there was no braille message indicating for them to follow the arrows which of course could not be seen by them anyway. It could be an awkward situation if it actually happened but what are those chances? I've never seen a blind person feeling around randomly on walls looking for braille signs. Have you?

2006-02-22T04:47:00.000-08:00

I think I was in high school when the term mid-life crisis first entered our lexicon. At the time it happened to men around 40. With my generation I find the crisis seems to be happening a lot sooner. For me it's 32 and that seems to be close to the same for a fair number of my friends. It doesn't help that here I am at work, another 5 a.m. start, reading the travel journal of a friend of a friend who with his wife decided to quit their jobs and travel around the world for a year. What a pure, amazing adventure. I'm both envious and depressed not just for the two on the trip but it seems every person they've met on their journey leads a life of true purpose and fulfillment. I feel like I lead a life of grinding it out at my job and the prospect of doing this for another 30 years scares the hell out of me. I don't know where I went wrong. I remember I was a freshman in college and my dad told I better chose a major soon. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was working at Summerfest at the time and I asked a coworker what he was majoring in and he said film. It was like an epiphany, who doesn't like movies? So I too majored in film, graduated from Wisconsin, worked construction for 6 months to save up some money and then set off for L.A. For five years I worked at Universal Studios in script development. The movie business is pretty much everything everyone thinks it is. Then, after five years, I moved back to Milwaukee in search of what I thought was a "stable" life. There are times now when I wonder what I was thinking. Now I have that stable life and I'm in the market for my first home but I can't help but think... is this it? I have a longing for something unstable. Reading this travelogue doesn't help things but then I'm tempered by memories of my extended period of unemployment. Something like that will put a scare into anyone. I hope someday to be the guy in the travelogue, if not the traveller, then the guy they met up with who seemed to have life all figured out... but for now, it's just another 5 a.m. start at the office. Only 10 hours to go, then a trip to the library to return some movies, then (if I have the guts) a three mile run in the freezing cold, maybe I'll watch some of the Olympics, and then to bed alongside my beautiful wife. One more day of my life checked off the calendar.

2006-02-20T18:11:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went out for my regular run and I passed the house of the guy who just doesn't get it. It's bad enough when you leave your Christmas lights up this far into February. It's even worse when you actually illuminate them with pride. C'mon, I love Christmas like the next guy but it's freaking February 20th. You're two holidays past due. Show some self-respect and retire those lights for the season. And the other guy on Cleveland Ave. who has had the POD stuck in his driveway for what seems like a lifetime, take that gigantic wreath down. It's freaking February 20th. This goon is single-handedly reducing property values in my area.

2006-02-20T18:05:00.000-08:00

I don't really understand some of these Olympic sports. Wouldn't it make sense to pick sports that regular people actually do. How many bobsled tracks are there really in the world? And frankly, don't you think that 2-Man Bobsled, 4-Man Bobsled and Luge are enough. Do we really need a Skeleton competition. It's just Luge backwards. I remember a couple Olympics ago they had a sport that was some type of Artistic Skiing. Basically the competitors would ski around in a flat area and dance on their skiis using their poles to spin and plant off of. It was really stupid if you think about it. I don't think it lasted two Olympics. I wonder what the Gold medal winner says when people come over. "Wow that's an Olympic Gold Medal. What did you win it for?" "Artistic skiing." "oh."

2006-02-20T17:57:00.000-08:00

I have to be honest, I'm starting to get a little tired how every time a black person does anything of even the minutest significance, it is blown up into this gigantic accomplishment for black people. Of course I'm talking about Shani Davis winning the Gold in speed skating. It's a great accomplishment as he should be proud of his win, but should he be made out to be the poster child for black achievement? Seriously, it's not 1966 anymore. Our local news went to a skating rink to interview black people inquiring if they were inspired to skate more now that a black person has won the Gold. It was the same thing a short while back when there were two black starting quarterbacks in an NFL playoff game. Wow, first time ever, two black starting quarterbacks... and this is the NFL which is dominated by black athletes. Then there was all the hype a couple years ago when Halle Berry and Denzel Washington both won Oscars. Frankly I found her speech embarrassing. Keep in mind she's only half-black but she played herself off as the champion for all black women. Really, I'd like to think she won the Oscar for great acting and not as a consolation prize. If I were black, I would start to get annoyed with all this condescending back patting that the media does for them whenever one achieves a level of success.

2006-02-20T17:42:00.000-08:00

I don't think Snowboard Half-pipe should be an Olympic event and this is basically due to one reason - it's the only judged sport in all the Olympics in which the contender makes it up as they go along. Gymastics, figure skating, synchronized swimming, diving, ice dancing... in all these sports the competitors submit their programs and then are judged on how well they perform them. In ice skating you always here the announcer say... "and here comes that triple toe loop." In Snowboard Half-pipe there's none of that, they only comment after the fact. It just comes across to me as a real lazy way to compete.

2006-02-17T09:31:00.000-08:00

How long has gas been over $2/gallon? Two years? I find it annoying that I still drive by gas stations that seem to have run out of 2's and instead flip a 5 upside down. How hard it is to order some more 2's? It's not like the price is going to drop below $2 any time soon. I also find it interesting that the upside down 5 is always with the higher priced premium gas.

Yesterday I went to a gas station that had the 3 gas grades listed on the pump in reverse order with the premium on the left, mid-grade in the middle and regular on the right. I had to think this was deliberate for people who aren't paying attention and are used to the standard low, mid, high left to right order. I keep telling myself I shouldn't go there anymore in protest but I'm too lazy to do that.

2006-02-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

At work I listen to Yahoo's Launch Cast radio on my computer. After trying out a couple different stations, the only one I find to be consistently enjoyable is "Big Hits of the 80's". For over a year I've been listening to this station but lately I've been noticing a problem. It started out with "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C&C Music Factory and today it hit rock bottom with the forgettable one hit wonder band, Color Me Badd. C'mon, it's supposed to be Big Hits of the 80's, not crap songs from the 90's. Does anyone listen to Color Me Badd and think, "wow, those were some great days." Quite frankly, it's amazing to me how much music has taken a nosedive since 1989... and I don't think I'm alone on this. Maybe it's a generational thing but when I was growing up, top 40 music could be enjoyed by most everyone. Sure the kids nowadays will laugh at a guy like Huey Lewis but in the 80's he was universally listenable. I can't stand most of the radio play songs of today - and this is from just about every genre. In fact in the search to find new, great music I've turned to sampling tracks on amazon.com for hours at a time because I can no longer find this stuff on the radio. Whatever happened to all the great British bands? There are a couple that stand out now but not the total dominance as there was twenty years ago. I guess I'm just a guy who's getting older. It's just like every generation before me, "we had it better". Those who grew up in the 80's think the music was better than what is out there today, those who grew up in the 70's think that music was better than what was played in the 80's, those who grew up in the 60's think that music was superior to the music of the 70's and those who grew up in the 50's think the music of the 60's was hippie crap. As my grandpa told my dad about Bob Dylan, "he's just an angry young man."

2006-02-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

I just read a story where the mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, was touring a city facility when he noticed that an employee had a solitaire game on his computer screen. Bloomberg had the employee fired citing that only work should be done at work. No warning or anything, just fired. What an asshole. I'm 10 years out of college and from my observations, workaholics are ruining this country. Guys like Bloomberg are part of the problem, not the solution. I think back to the glory days of the 80's when workers had rights. Now the motto is grind, grind, grind or you'll be out of a job. I think back to that movie, 9 to 5. As I see it, they had nothing to complain about. They only worked 8 hours a day - how bad could it be. I put in 10 hours a day and will likely be working the next three saturdays. Why? Because my workaholic bosses work 12 hours a day and work seven days a week so to them my measely 50 hours a week is barely cutting it. I always love it how someone always wants to blame TV, music and movies for the problems of youth. The real problem is simple: two parents working ungodly hours in high stress environments where they could be fired at any time for any reason. There is no more loyalty to the employee. My boss thinks I'm from a lazy generation but I when I grew up in the 80's every parent in my neighborhood was home from work by 5:30 p.m. and every family ate dinner together. I'm sure it was the same in the 50's and 60's also. People took a job at 22 years old and worked there until 65 and when they retired, the company threw them a big party. I can't imagine going another 33 years at this pace. Anyone can be successful if success is measured by making a lot of money and working 70 hours a week. To me that isn't success, to me that is the mark of a complete failure. The catch is those people are bringing the rest of us down because we are expected to move up to their level of life-wasting.

2006-01-31T05:27:00.000-08:00

I was an honor student throughout grade school and high school but there is no way in hell I would ever let my parents put a bumper sticker on their car saying so. (Luckily this wasn't even a practice when I was in school.) What kind of loser has to inform the world that their kid is an honor student? Even worse than that are the "my child is a student of the month at..." stickers. What the hell is that? I have no idea what that means or what one has to do to achieve the honor. What's next a perfect attendance bumper sticker? Of course there is the eventual backlash of "my child could beat up your honor student" stickers or the "my child is the inmate of the month at... correctional institute." I don't know what is more tacky, the originals or the imposters. Come to think of it, I hate most bumper stickers. They never are all that funny. They Calvin pissing on stuff is particularly bad. What's the point of that? There was a guy I used to work with who bought fake bullet hole stickers and put them on his car. I just can't comprehend how stupid this stuff looks. "Badass boys drive badass toys." Yeah, nice Dodge truck you tool. "My other ride is your mother." Please, is that necessary? "Don't like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT SHIT". Really, there should be laws against bad taste.

2006-01-31T05:13:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of coworkers pushing their kids school candy bars or Girl Scout cookies on me. When I was a kid I had to go door to door myself trying to sell this stuff. Now I'll go to Target and see a table outside with a kid selling Girl Scout cookies. I think it's pretty inventive until I am approached by the parent who does all the talking. It should be the other way around. The kid should do the sales pitch and the parent should just be there to make sure nothing goes wrong. If a kid asks me I'll buy a bundle, if a parent does I'll pass without guilt.

2006-01-25T09:28:00.000-08:00

I think I successfully talked my wife into returning the popcorn popper she received from her mother for Christmas. The popper is still sitting in its box unopened - one month later. My original argument was that we would not use it enough to justify storing it, cleaning it etc. The other day I was on amazon and I looked the popper up. It's average was only 2 stars with pretty much universal disapproval citing how the popper makes soggy popcorn. My wife didn't have much of an argument against that. If only I had been more successful with the breakmaker we've used once in four years, the fondue set we've never used and the food processor that isn't even assembled. The victory is small but it feels good - $50 is still something. Now what can I waste it on?

2006-01-25T09:19:00.000-08:00

I was watching G.I. Jane the other day and I was struck by how great Demi Moore looked even with a shaved head. She's truly a beautiful woman both in her prime and still today. Then it got me thinking of Bruce Willis. He has what is known as everyday man good looks - good looks accentuated by a strong dose of charisma. So of course after pondering this, the inevitable comes out... and I know you've been wondering the same thing too...

How could two beautiful people like this wind up with such unattractive kids? It's kind of like on Jay Leno (or was it Conan?) where they take two celebrities and show a freaked out looking picture of what their kids will look like. The only thing is in this case the pictures were kind of accurate. I feel a little bad for thinking that but this will never get back to them, and I know you were thinking the same thing.

2006-01-23T13:12:00.000-08:00

I don't care for the phrase, "then we agree to disagree." I can't say why, I guess because the person saying it usually throws a little attitude in with the saying. You can pretty much read their mind by their tone, "I know I'm right, I know you're wrong so let's just leave it at that."

2006-01-18T13:17:00.000-08:00

One thing I really don't understand is Nascar Truck Racing. When you think of trucks you don't think of speed, you think of pulling capacity and off-road ability. Off-road truck racing makes sense. Tractor pulls make sense. Take a truck and making it aerodynamic and then having it run as fast as possible (though still not as fast as a Nascar) makes no sense to me. because you are taking away almost all of the qualities that make it a truck.

Another one I don't get is fast-pitch softball. Isn't the point of softball to pitch the ball on a slow arcing trajectory? If you are going to pitch it fast, why not just play baseball and throw the ball faster and overhand? Softball is fine. Baseball is fine but fast-pitch softball seems like a poor blend of the two.

2006-01-16T18:27:00.000-08:00

I really don't see why you need a kicker and a punter on a football team. Wouldn't it seem logical that a kicker could also punt well? How could you be a good kicker but not a good punter? I always thought that if you wanted to be one of those parents who pushed a kid at a young age to excel in a sport (like Tiger Woods or Serena Williams), you should push them to be a punter because no one aspires at a young age to be a punter. I figure if you start a kid out at 5 years old, he'll be way ahead of the curve and could have a decent chance of making the pro's if he stuck with it. Then when he makes the pro's he could parlay that into a long career. You have to figure punters have the least expectations put on them than any other professional sports player position. All they have to do is maintain a good average. If the punt gets blocked it's the line that gets the blame. If a pooch punt goes into the end zone, it's a bad bounce that is to blame. Punters are never blamed for anything. Now a kicker, that's a completely different thing. People don't remember the kicks you made, they remember the ones you missed. A punter used to be the field goal kick holder. I think it was just to give them something else to do. They don't even do that anymore. It's usually a backup quarterback now. It makes me wonder what these guys do in practice all day. I can't imagine a more cushy job and it's one they could probably do for 14 years.

2006-01-16T18:17:00.000-08:00

My wife and I know a couple who had always wanted to go out to dinner with us so we agreed and went out for a comfortable meal at a local grill. When the meal was done, they insisted on paying for the whole dinner. Of course I refused but they wouldn't hear. I knew what was coming next, "you can get the next one." So for about two months I had that hanging over my head. I finally gave them a call to see where they wanted to go out to dinner. They said a place they knew by them that I had never been to. So my wife and I drove out to their house and we all went out to dinner at this supper club. My friend said it was an Italian restaurant but there was no Italian on the menu. Instead it was five course meals - steak etc. Right off the other couple starts talking about appetizers. Then they order the expensive entrees, and top it off with a couple glasses of wine. Then when they were done they threw in some dessert. The meal they paid for cost about $60. The meal I paid for cost double that. I honestly don't think they intentionally chose a restaurant that cost twice as much, but I believe they should have known better and should have offered to pay at least a portion of the bill.

2006-01-16T18:11:00.000-08:00

Winter really brings me down. I arrive at work - it's dark out. I work indoors in a windowless office for 10 hours. I leave work - it's dark out. There's something wrong with going through a full day without a single moment of daylight. Prior to my current job I worked 2nd shift and it really wasn't all that bad. The big negative was working every Friday night. The big positive was never having to use an alarm clock. Every single day for 2.5 years, I woke up when I felt like waking up. That is a great thing.

2006-01-16T18:06:00.000-08:00

Last week our internet connection went down at work from Tuesday through Friday. It was like working in the stone age. The hours really dragged on. I actually took interest in the Windows Hearts game that comes with your computer. I played 100 games and kept track of my progress. I came up with a hypothetical ante of $10 per game and a payout of $22 for first place, $13 for second place and $5 for third place. (or a profit of +$12, +$3, break even, and a loss of $10). After 100 games you'd think I'd finish somewhere around 25 wins, 25 2nds, 25 3rds and 25 fourths. Instead I finished with 22 wins, 35 2nds, 21 3rds, and 22 fourths. My best win was 6 points. My all around average finish was 2.43 which is pretty darn close to finishing right in the middle and my money finish based off of the criteria above was + $44. I timed one game and it took my about 8 minutes to complete. That's 13 hours of Hearts gaming or a profit of $3.30/hour.

For some reason, since I've hit 100 games, I've kind of lost interest.

2006-01-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

I've got to be honest, the show Extreme Home Makeover kind of gets on my nerves. I almost feel guilty about it but that host, Ty Pennington is pretty annoying with his over-the-top enthusiasm. "Good morning Phillips family!" I understand how they are trying to help families out and I'm all for helping out people in need, but is building them a million dollar house really the solution to their problems?

2006-01-16T17:59:00.000-08:00

There's one of those bank thermometers on my way to work and it seems every time I want to know how cold it is, it shows the clock, then switches over to Celsius, then back to the clock and by the time it's ready to show Fahrenheit, I'm already past it. Does anyone really care about Celsius? It's ridiculous that they show both.

2006-01-05T10:22:00.000-08:00

I'm not looking for an award or anything but in 16 years of driving, I don't think I've ever used the car horn aside from the friendly, "hey I know that guy" honk. Okay maybe I've done the, "the light is green" quick beep but never any of the other "you're really pissing me off" honks -and it's not like I live out in the country. I lived in L.A. for five years and currently live in Milwaukee. On the flip side, I think I've been honked at maybe once per year at best. I can only conclude that I am likely one of the greatest drivers in the world.

College Football

2006-01-05T05:55:00.000-08:00

Last night's college football National Championship game is a perfect example of how college football is superior to pro. The final top 25 rankings however display why college football still has a long way to go with regard to fairness. Take the example of my alma mater, Wisconsin. Wisconsin finished with a 10-3 record after easily beating Auburn in the Capital One bowl. Auburn finished with a 9-3 record, yet the final top 25 rankings has Auburn at 14 and Wisconsin at 15. Now I could understand if their final records were different but considering their records were essentially the same and Wisconsin beat them in a head-to-head matchup, Wisconsin should be ranked higher. It just goes to show that too much of college football is based off of opinions. If they have to do rankings (I prefer playoffs), I think it should be Vegas oddsmakers who do the final rankings. These are guys whose job it is to know which team is better. Coaches and sports writers lack the accurate knowledge of every team's abilities and lack true impartiality.

Mobile Tombstones

2005-12-30T21:57:00.000-08:00

I've noticed a recent alarming trend that really bothers me. It's these car window decals that say something like:

Cruisin' in Memory of Joe Smith
2/1/74 - 9/25/04

Is this not the stupidest thing ever? This is worse than the Calvin stickers or the fake bullet holes that are prevalent in my area. I can't imagine anything more tacky. Even "Baby on Board" didn't bother me as much as this.

You know what else bothers me, it's the people who drive around with their parking lights on. If you're going to go that far, why not go all the way? To me it's either full lights or no lights. The middle parking light setting doesn't make sense to me. What do these people think? "Ahh, it's dark, but not that dark, I think I'll just go with the parking lights for now." They are called parking lights for a reason you know.

Popcorn Popper

2005-12-30T21:54:00.000-08:00

My wife asked for and received a popcorn popper for Christmas from her mother. My personal feelings are that popcorn poppers have become obsolete for a reason - microwave popcorn is easier to make, easier to clean up and doesn't take up nearly as much space as this big popper. Frankly I think the $50 could have been better spent better but she doesn't want to here it. I suppose this will just take up space next to the bread maker that we've used twice in four years.

#1 A-hole (part 2)

2005-12-27T13:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got together with my in-laws where we exchanged our Christmas presents. Prior to arrival, I told my wife that someone would make a comment about how hard it was to get that golf club and I figured it would be my future sister-in-law. So as they passed over the box and I pulled out the club I did my very best to act like I didn't know it was coming. I also raved about how great a gift it was and how I couldn't wait to use it and how it matched up with my existing clubs. That last part was the opening they were waiting for. Of course my future sister-in-law had to remark that it was good it matched because they actually bought two clubs and had to sell the other one. Again I played stupid but it doesn't take a genius to read between the lines. I'm an A-hole for being so specific about the gift I wanted.

"Hey Merry Christmas, here's that gift you really wanted and while I'm at it, how about a big bowl of guilt thrown in with it."

Of earrings and infants

2005-12-27T13:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I saw my six month old niece who had recently had her ears pierced. Am I alone in thinking that piercing the ears of an infant is about as wrong as wrong can get? #1 - it is cruel, #2 - it doesn't give the girl the opportunity to decide for herself if she even wants pierced ears, #3 - it looks stupid on babies. This formerly cute baby just looks ridiculous with these little gold earrings. Frankly I think it should be illegal for anyone under the age of 10 to have their ears pierced and I can't think of many reasons to convince me otherwise.

Small or Large

2005-12-22T05:00:00.000-08:00

Last night my wife and I went out to dinner. As we were waiting for some friends, we sat at the bar and ordered two sodas. The bartender poured up the two sodas and then moved on to another customer. While perusing the menu I noticed that the sodas came in a small or a large size. I assumed we got the small because I figured it would be presumptuous of the bartender to assume we wanted the large. After a few seconds we noticed that our friends were already sitting at a table. Since the bartender wasn't around, I threw down $4 which covered the two $1.60 sodas plus a tip. During dinner my wife got a refill on her soda and when it came back I noticed it was in a smaller glass. I started to get worried that I may have shortchanged the bartender because he gave us large sodas instead of small. At the end I figured I was still safe but I was a little miffed that the bartender would automatically give us a large without asking first. I would assume that if someone ordered a soda, you would give them the regular size which in this case probably was the small.

The other thing that didn't make sense is they had two different prices for refills based off of whether you had a small or a large soda. Why not just have one size of soda with one price for refills - or go free refills as many establishments have?

TomKat

2005-12-22T04:55:00.000-08:00

I'm really starting to get tired of the seeming necessity to combine every celebrity couples names into a singular catchy name. You know: Bennifer, TomKat, Vaughniston etc. I'd be surprised if at this point there isn't a single person who doesn't find this practice to be annoying.

Mandatory Gift Giving

2005-12-21T05:27:00.000-08:00

This morning our company VP walked in and asked if we would like to chip in some money to get a Christmas gift certificate for our secretary. Frankly I didn't see why we needed to single out the secretary for a gift. She has the easiest job of anyone in the office. She is already receiving a year end bonus and she just asked for and received a $3500 no interest lone from the company. Of course I'm relatively new so I didn't mention my misgivings. I'm thinking to myself, "$5-$10 - it isn't that big a deal." Then one of my office mates pulls out a $20 and suddenly that is the standard amount to give. So this secretary, who puts in less than 8 hours/day, is receiving a holiday bonus and a no interest lone is getting another $100 thrown in on top of everything.

Here is an update on the golf club situation. My brother-in-law bid again on the correct club and won it so now he has two clubs. He wants to sell the first club on ebay (at a big loss I would expect). The second club he paid way too much for. The end result is my wife is chipping in to help pay for the club I will be receiving. She won't tell me how much but I'd guess $30-$40. I feel guilty about the whole thing even though I specifically told her to tell him not to bid on the 2nd club. I'm beginning to understand the stress that everyone talks about during the holiday season.

12:30

2005-12-18T09:06:00.000-08:00

I was standing behind two women the other day at the grocery store. They were talking about getting together later and one woman said: "Why don't we meet up at noon-thirty." "Okay, I'll see you at noon-thirty." I've never heard 12:30 referred to as noon-thirty before but for some reason I found it very annoying.

How about a little effort Wendy's

2005-12-18T08:56:00.000-08:00

With so many fast food offerings out there nowadays couldn't Wendy's improve their dessert menu? Your choice is pretty much just a chocolate Frosty. How could a place have a wide variety of hamburgers but only one dessert choice - and let's be honest, the Frosty is getting pretty damn tired. I honestly can't see any reason why they wouldn't want to expand their dessert offerings.

Professional Drivers

2005-12-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

One thing I can't stand in car commercials is the little disclaimer that this is a "professional driver on a closed course." Half the time they aren't even driving recklessly or anything. You known they've gotten out of hand when they use that disclaimer for a commercial showing a car driving about 70mph across a dry lake bed. C'mon, professional driver? A blind man could do that. The incessant fear of litigation in this country has gotten so out of hand.

The other thing I can't stand is the black and yellow warning labels permanently attached to the underside of every visor of every new car that basically tells you that an airbag could kill an infant. Let's say you don't have any children and you just spent $70,000 on a new Jaguar. Shouldn't you be able to remove a warning label that does not pertain to you at all?

Colin and Ashlee

2005-12-18T08:27:00.000-08:00

Both Colin Farrell and Ashlee Simpson were treated for exhaustion this week. How exactly do you treat someone for exhaustion and why would it require hospitalization? I would think the prescription would be simple; sleep an extra couple hours and do nothing but relax for a week or so.

I suppose it annoys me that we the public are played off as being so stupid. It's as if I really believe Colin Farrell is addicted to "prescription painkillers." If he's addicted to anything, it's the legitimate hardcore drugs but of course the public would be less forgiving of that than treatment for alcohol abuse (of which Colin is celebrated for) or painkillers which is something that comes out of legitimate medicine.

#1 A-hole

2005-12-15T10:50:00.000-08:00

Ever since the Christmas of the sweater vest and porcelain lighthouse, I've have very detailed lists of what I would like to receive for Christmas. What sets me apart is that I actually go through the trouble of researching the best place to buy the items off the list and include internet coupons whenever possible. The system should be foolproof - or at least it was until this year.

For the life of me, I had the hardest time coming up with things to ask for so I made a spreadsheet of everyone I expected to receive presents from and the approximate amount of money they would spend. I then made a list of every possible thing I might want and shuffled each item around to match up with the expected spending. Everything pretty much fell into place until I got to my mother-in-law and my brother-in-law. I figured they'd spend in the $25-$30 range and despite my best efforts I couldn't find anything to fit into that category and after several days of wracking my mind I finally came up with the perfect item:

A TaylorMade RAC 60 degree lob wedge - satin finish.

This one turned out to be a little more complicated than most things on my list. First off, I'd have to make sure that my mother-in-law and brother-in-law would be willing to chip in together on an item. Then I'd have to make sure that my brother-in-law would be willing to use his ebay account to bid on one given that the store bought price of the club is out of reach at a price of around $110. Thirdly, I'd have to coordinate all this through my wife since it's better for my mother-in-law's psyche to think that this is actually a surprise.

After some heavy negotiating, it was agreed that they would indeed by the club and my brother-in-law would use his ebay account to bid on one. To prevent any confusion, I sent an email (via my wife's email account) explaining how to go about getting this club:

Ebay.com.
Search term is: RAC satin 60 new
There is a seller called Proshop Warehouse who always has a bunch for sale. I would recommend buying from him.
This club generally sells for about $50-$55.

Seems pretty idiot proof to me. On top of that I even tracked down a Paypal coupon where they could get 10% off the purchase. At the end of the day, the only thing he got right was the coupon.

He started out fine bidding on the right club (though from a different seller) but got outbid. After a day of monitoring ebay, I noticed he hadn't bid on any more clubs even though proshop had plenty for sale. I then actually attached a specific auction saying "bid on this one." The next day I saw that the auction closed with a very good selling price of $49 but it wasn't to my brother-in-law. Now I was getting concerned so I asked my wife to call him to find out what was going on. He told her he was the high bidder on a current auction. I checked on ebay but couldn't find what he was bidding on. It turns out that once he lost the first auction, he quickly bid on a second auction but did not use the search terms I required and therefore bid on a club without the satin finish. His high bid was $65 - a full $10 more than I recommended and it was from a different seller who charged a ridiculously high shipping charge.

So after all my effort he bid on the wrong club, from the wrong seller and bid the wrong price. Of course at that price he won the auction. I told my wife I don't know how anyone could screw up something so idiot proof. As a result of that I received the title of #1 A-hole (for the second time in a week no less). If that's what I am, so be it, but I think I have the right to be a little disappointed. Next year I should just ask for a gift certificate.